published Friday, July 29th, 2011

Laugh Lines

Amen, indeed

WGN has posted on YouTube the “Talladega Nights”-inspired, prerace prayer by Pastor Joe Nelms at NASCAR’s Federated Auto Parts 300 at the Nashville Superspeedway on July 23. Nelms, pastor of Family Baptist Church in Gladeville, Tenn., later said he wanted to offer a prayer that would be remembered.

Mission accomplished.

Here’s the transcript, though the cadence of the preacher’s voice is lost in the printed word. The crowd began cheering near the “smokin’ hot wife” reference.

“Heavenly Father, we thank you tonight for all your blessings. You said, ‘In all things give thanks,’ so we want to thank you tonight for these mighty machines that you’ve brought before us.

“Thank you for the Dodges and the Toyotas. Thank you for the Fords, and most of all we thank you for Rousch and Yates partnering to give us the power that we see before us tonight.

“Thank you for GM performance technology and R07 engines. Thank you for Sunoco racing fuel and Goodyear tires that bring performance and power to the track.

“Lord, I want to thank you for my smokin’ hot wife tonight, Lisa, and my two children, Eli and Emma. Or as we like to call them, the Little E’s.

“Lord, I pray you bless the drivers and use them tonight. May they put on a performance worthy of this great track.

“In Jesus’ name, boogity boogity boogity. Amen!”

Eyewitness account

A defense lawyer is meeting with a client. “The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with the money bags,” the lawyer tells him.

“That’s nothing,” says the suspect. “I can produce 500 witnesses who didn’t see me running from the bank.”

Movie magic

In the front row of a theater are an old man and his dog watching a movie. It’s a sad and funny film. During the sad parts, the dog cries his eyes out. In the funny parts, the dog laughs his head off. This happens all the way through the film.

Once the movie is over, another patron approaches and says, “That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Your dog really seemed to enjoy the film.”

The old man says, “Yeah, it is pretty amazing. He hated the book.”

Blimey

When the waitress brought her customer the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.

“Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?”

“Why, it’s the bean soup,” she replied.

“I don’t care what it’s been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”

Take a shot

A guy walks into a bar and orders a double.

The bartender brings out a man who looks just like him.

Sportsmanship

From Leland Parrott:

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach, “now go over there and explain it to your mother.”

To your health

An American couple visiting a German village stepped into a small shop to look for souvenirs. The woman sneezed.

“Gesundheit!” said the clerk.

“We’re in luck,” the woman said to her husband. “There’s someone here who can speak English.”

Prize winner

Did you hear about Farmer Bob’s prize-winning rooster? Farmer Bob is in the fertilized egg business. He has 200 pullets to lay eggs and 10 roosters to fertilize them.

Bob keeps diligent records, and nonperforming roosters go into the stew pot. To keep track, he ties tiny bells to his roosters, each with a different tone. Bob can fill out his efficiency reports simply by listening to the bells.

Bob’s top rooster is George. But one day Bob notices George’s bell hasn’t rung at all. He goes to investigate. He finds that the other roosters are chasing pullets, but the pullets, hearing the bells, run for cover. But George has his bell in his beak, so it can’t ring. This way, he can sneak up on a pullet, do his job and move on to the next one.

Bob is so proud of George he enters him in the County Fair. The judges are so impressed, they award George a No Bell Piece Prize and a Pulletsurprise as well.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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