published Tuesday, August 7th, 2012

David Cook: What I hope the Curiosity rover finds on Mars

  • photo
    This artist's rendering released by NASA/JPL-Caltech on Sunday, Aug. 5, 2012, shows how NASA's Curiosity rover will communicate with Earth during landing.
    Photo by Associated Press /Chattanooga Times Free Press.

  1. 1. A cure for childhood cancer.
  2. 2. A back-up cure for childhood cancer.
  3. 3. A back-up for UT Vols quarterback Tyler Bray, who — I’ll wager — isn’t done making mistakes yet, on or off the field.
  4. 4. A loudspeaker playing the soundtrack to “Close Encounters of the Third Kind.”
  5. 5. An explanation as to why the women playing Olympic beach volleyball find the need to hug each other after every single point.
  6. 6. A chance to play on an Olympic beach volleyball women’s team.
  7. 7. A plan for the total and complete boycott by every lottery-playing Georgian against the new online lotto. Hatched by Gov. Nathan Deal, the online lotto allows players — 18 years or older — to buy lottery tickets anytime, anywhere, through the Internet. Why not just legalize marijuana, tax the profits and put it into education? Both are exploitative attempts at revenue from the one body — the government — supposed to help people, not make them more addicted to tossing their money away at Scratch-and-Never-Gonna-Win.
  8. 8. A shoebox full of winning lottery tickets, purchased under the name of every orphan in America.
  9. 9. Some sort of black hole that sucks up every single politician, speechwriter and campaign strategist who tries to win elections through manipulation, lies and negativity.
  10. 10. Proof that politics can be an honest affair and television can be an enlightening display of entertaining and informational art.
  11. 11. Proof that love, actually, does win.
  12. 12. A way for teenagers — girls and guys — to be confident, brave and not victim to a sexist and objectifying mass media.
  13. 13. A way to be 14 years old and not suffer from bullying.
  14. 14. A way for every adult to spot bullying, and the powers and knowledge on how to transform bullies into peacemakers.
  15. 15. An Olympic sport that allows countries such as Montenegro and Namibia to win at least one gold medal.
  16. 16. A way to ensure that every American has a passport and uses it once every five years.
  17. 17. Montenegro and Namibia count as a real trip. Going to Cancun does not.
  18. 18. A hole big enough for Rush Limbaugh to fall into and never come out.
  19. 19. The end of sexting.
  20. 20. The end of the New York Yankees, traffic jams and heartburn, which are all essentially the same thing.
  21. 21. The end of coal.
  22. 22. A Catholic hospital in Chattanooga that will start acting like one. You know, the least of these and all that.
  23. 23. A way to make Aung San Suu Kyi a household name.
  24. 24. A way to put gardens in every school, kale in every cafeteria, smiles on every non-high-fructose-corn-syrup chewing face and childhood obesity a thing of the past.
  25. 25. A simple and just tax code.
  26. 26. A vision for the Republican Party that does not involve guns or gay marriage. A vision for the Democratic Party that actually does something.
  27. 27. Clean energy.
  28. 28. A place to hide Nick Saban’s hairspray.
  29. 29. And playbook.
  30. 30. A way to give Derek Dooley one of the above two.
  31. 31. A way to ensure that being a schoolteacher in America will be the most noble profession possible, supported by politicians who come hat in hand asking for endorsements (Ms. Smith’s Third Grade Class Endorses Mr. Corker!), a state and federal budget that declares education as a priority, parents who never complain and kids who always, without question, without being asked, at the end of every class, say “thank you.”
  32. 32. Legislation that requires politicians to make a 23 or higher on the ACT before they can be elected.
  33. 33. Evidence that Michael Phelps really is not of this world.
  34. 34. Evidence that Dick Cheney really is from the underworld.
  35. 35. Jimmy Hoffa’s body.
  36. 36. A fast route down Gunbarrel Road.
  37. 37. A return of American exceptionalism.
  38. 38. The missing link.
  39. 39. My missing checkbook.
  40. 40. And a reminder that we all live on this one beautiful yet fragile planet, unlike any other in the universe, populated with Monarch butterflies, snow leopards, earthworms and rainbows, so stunning and breathtaking that aliens from other universes would travel light years just to see a sunrise over the Gulf of Mexico, or taste homemade peach cobbler and a perfect Cabernet, or feel the breeze sitting on a front porch while holding the hand of someone you love, or experience the joy that comes upon realizing the pursuit of happiness can never be bought and that the best discoveries are the ones we make every day on this journey we call life.

David Cook can be reached at or 423-757-6329. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter at DCookTFP.

about David Cook...

David Cook is the award-winning city columnist for the Times Free Press, working in the same building where he began his post-college career as a sportswriter for the Chattanooga Free Press. Cook, who graduated from Red Bank High, holds a master's degree in Peace and Justice Studies from Prescott College and an English degree from the University of Tennessee at Knoxville. For 12 years, he was a teacher at the middle, high school and university ...

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GatorFan said...

I think this has to be the most pointless article I've ever read. Was this supposed to be funny?

August 7, 2012 at 8:33 a.m.
Walden said...

1) Couldn't agree more 2) ditto 3-8)non-controversial 9) especially the likes of nasty Harry Reid, David Axelrod, David Plouffe, and Debbie Blabberman Shultz 10) not as long as their are ideologue liberals and the cultural decay that they enable 11) read the Bible (Jesus, anyone?) 12) not conservatism's fault 13-14) Amen 15) affirmative action in the Olympics? Jeez. 16) you propose to force Americans to travel out of the country every 5 years? How totalitarian of you Dave. 17) shouldn't individuals make these decisions for themselves? How self righteous you sound here. 18) Cliche. How 'bout a hole big enough for Bill Maher to fall into and never come out? 19-20) whatever 21) you should would freeze your butt off if that happened 22) Erlanger does take more than it's fair share of indigent cases in old Hamilton Co., doesn't it? Maybe that explains some of their financial woes. That's right Hobson, it's pretty easy to turn profits when you don't take indigent cases. 23) who the heck is that? 24) yeah, yeah, yeah 25) huzzah! 26) I would say, a vision for the Democratic party that doesn't involve guns, gay marriage and infanticide, and a vision for a Republican party that actually does something (and sticks to it's conservative roots) 27) and lollipops falling from the sky for all! 28) ... 29) now that wouldn't be very fair would it? 30) why would he possibly need hairspray? 31) odd, but I get your point about being grateful 32) sure would love to unseal old Barry Soetero's college transcripts! 33) he is 34) silliness. how about a little gratitude for your safety during some awful times? 35-36) whatever 37) we can start by getting rid of the current occupant of the White House 38) why? 39) can't help you with that one 40)yep

August 7, 2012 at 9:15 a.m.
Memphis said...

@ GatorFan. It's an opinionated column not reportage...get over yourself. Is your comment supposed to be funny, because you sound like a prick.

August 7, 2012 at 11:52 a.m.
GatorFan said...

Damn Memphis! What's with the name calling? Go change your tampon and relax.

August 7, 2012 at 12:19 p.m.
jesse said...

Gatorbait! He didn't call you one,he said you sounded like one! And he's exactly right!

August 7, 2012 at 4:02 p.m.
Memphis said...

@ GatorFan...[sarcastic tone]nice sexist comment. You must be an adult.

August 7, 2012 at 4:36 p.m.
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