published Thursday, June 21st, 2012

5-at-10: Dumb and Dumber edition

For whatever reasons, "Dumb and Dumber To" has been cancelled. Jim Carrey said the studio's lack of interest was the big reason, some have said Carrey pulled out and some even have hinted that the Farrelly brothers lost a lot of cred with the studio after "The Three Stooges" debacle. Whatever. You know who loses here? We do.

That said, let's have a "Dumb and Dumber" 5-at-10. Who's with us? From the "Talks Too Much" studios, here we go...

  • photo
    In this July 26, 2011, file photo, Pac-12 Commissioner Larry Scott talks during the Pac-12 NCAA college football media day in Los Angeles. The BCS commissioners, including Scott, are backing a playoff plan with the sites for the national semifinals rotating among the major bowl games and a selection committee picking the teams, Notre Dame Athletic Director Swarbrick said Wednesday, June 20, 2012. (AP Photo/Reed Saxon, File)
    Photo by Associated Press /Chattanooga Times Free Press.

Four-team playoff is here

As Harry said during the D&D boys' travels: "According to the map we've only gone 4 inches."

According to an ESPN article, SEC commissioner Mike Slive compared college football's journey to a four-team playoff like a marathon and after the news that the parameters have been agreed upon, Slive said, "My hope is we've done 26 [miles]. My hope is we have .2 to go." We tend to feel like Harry because those four inches are just the first step of this journey.

Whatever the distance covered by the BCS conference commissioners, who along with the Notre Dame AD, have come to a consensus on a four-team seeded playoff system to determine the national champion. It's a move a decade in the making, and the four painful inches covered will seem like four seconds when the talk turns to making this an eight-team playoff sooner rather than later.

And while those four inches create a landmark football championship after for the 2014 season — and those four inches will generate four miles of cash — there are, as Big Ten apologist/commissioner Jim Delany noted "always devil in the details."

The basics have been agreed upon, although nothing is official until the college presidents vote on it later this month. Here's what we know (with the 5-at-10's view in parenthesis):

— The four-team field will be picked by a selection committee. (Good start, but we have said from the beginning that a selection committee of 11 people should be picked and their deliberations should be broadcasted on TV, with the rights being sold of course. Complete and total transparency is needed. At some point the teams that finish No. 5 or No. 6 will bellyache about the new system, but if there is transparency, then those complaints are disagreements. When there is not clear view of the proceedings, those complaints are more about conspiracies.)

— The two semifinal games would be played within the existing BCS games (Sugar, Rose, Fiesta and Orange) on a rotating basis. (Another good call, and it seems the SEC-Big 12 "Champions Bowl" accomplished a great deal of its goal by forcing the Big Ten's hand in regard to the Rose Bowl. Especially since there is no "conference champion" requirement.)

— The SEC will win it all in this set-up, too. (OK, that wasn't agreed upon, but we feel pretty comfortable in throwing that out there.)


  • photo
    Miami Heat small forward LeBron James reacts during practice, Wednesday, June 20, 2012, in Miami. The Heat play Game 5 against the Oklahoma City Thunder on Thursday. (AP Photo/Alan Diaz)
    Photo by Associated Press /Chattanooga Times Free Press.

LeBron on the brink

Harry: Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

— OR —

Lloyd: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?

Mary: I'd say more like one out of a million.


Lloyd: So you're telling me there's a chance... YEAH!

We know what's at stake tonight for LeBron James and the Heat. Win tonight and secure the NBA title.

Lose tonight and the Heatles will have to go to a rowdy OKC for games 6 and 7.

You could make an argument that this is the moment for James and Miami. (We think this is not a do-or-die, but if it gets to Game 7, with all the background noise, the home-court edge and the pressure, OKC would have a huge advantage.)

So here it is, LeBron, one win — at home — from the prize that will silence almost all of his critics. (Sure there are some LeBron haters that will never get over "The Decision," but those folks still think the moon landing was a hoax.)

Anyhoo, what are you expecting? We'll put LeBron at 30-12-8 and with the Finals MVP when the Heat win it tonight.

And we'll take "yes" on whether he cries afterward.

Side story about odds: Friend of the show RJ Bell of sent out a release that Monday night in Las Vegas, the 19 hit seven consecutive times on the same roulette table at the Rio casino. The odds of that happening are more than 114.4 billion-to-1. In fact, Bell said if you played roulette every day for 24 hours a day, a number would hit seven straight times once every 217,000 years. So take heart Lloyd, there's still a chance.


Controversy du jour

Lloyd: Excuse me, Flo?

[Harry and Lloyd crack up]

Lloyd: Flo, like the TV show. Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour?

Flo, Waitress #1: It's the Soup of the Day.

Lloyd: Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that.

Great scene from the movie — and it's right before we get introduced to Sea Bass, which is a treat — takes us to the puzzling issue du jour. Let's discuss.

Tampa Bay relief pitcher Joel Peralta was tossed from a game this week because he had pine tar on his glove.

It was a story that allowed us to review the great old baseball images of George Brett exploding onto the field after the umpires said his ninth-inning homer in Yankee Stadium in 1985 was denied because he had too much pine tar on his bat. It also called to mind the time Joe Neikro flipped his emory board across the infield and when a Cleveland Indians employee was caught trying to sneak a loaded bat that belonged to Albert Bell out of the umpires' dressing room.

Ah, the hijinks of those crazy baseball players.

But, after our discussion of Roger Clemens earlier this week, it also got us thinking (which is admittedly a dangerous deal): Why is certain forms of cheating (scuffing the ball, corked bats, etc.) good-natured fun and steroids (which were not even against baseball's official rules until the mid-2000s) are akin to flag-burning and ordering the McRib sandwich at McDonald's? (Side question: Why do the good folks that make the McRib shape the "meat" into something that looks like it has bones? Is that really a good goal for a sandwich — to give the appearance of bones? And yes, we know the Micky D folks have served billions and billions and we'll have 22 comments today, but it's still worth asking.)

Anyhoo, where were we? Oh yeah, baseball's finicky hatred of steroids and its lovable embrace for actual rule breakers. Stealing signs, scuffing up the ball, juicing the bat... all of those are competitive edges but steroids are the devil's work. Gaylord Perry got into the Hall of Fame by cheating more than Bonds or Clemens and Perry needed to doctor up the baseball to win his 314 games. But Perry's a crafty veteran and Clemens and Bonds are anti-christs? OK, whatever. Sure Perry was a cuddly grandfather-esque fellow who grinned and heed and hawed about his Eddie Harris version of putting snot on the ball. And Bonds and Clemens were as pleasant as afternoon IRS audit after an early-morning root canal, but that does not differentiate between the indifference to Perry's blatant disregard for the rules and Clemens and Bonds obvious disregard for in truth was illegal but not against baseball's rules.

So how are we to know which rules are sacred and which are suggestions? We've known for years that the baseball Hall of Fame voters are anti-steroids, but you know what that's ultimately going to achieve? Baseball's Hall of Fame is going to be watered down. Yep, by keeping the alleged and the admitted steroid users out, baseball writers are going to feel inclined to vote for someone, so the Jim Rices or the Jim Kaats or even the Dave Stewarts of the world are going to get an extra review or two. (In fact, if a guy is on the ballot more than five years, then it's time to move along. Our simplest definition of determining whether a player is a Hall of Famer is as follows: Ask yourself if he is a Hall of Famer, and if you pause more than two seconds, he's not. Period. This is not the Hall of Really Good or even the Hall of Great, it's the flippin' Hall of Fame, and not everyone gets a trophy.)

But eventually, Bonds, Clemens, A-Rod, Sosa and the lot will get into the Hall of Fame and we all know it.

So steroids are the sin du jour because it's cheating but actual cheating is a shrug-you-shoulders-"Good try" type of deal. This is baseball not NASCAR right?

Want to know where that makes sense? I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.


— "Kick his tail Sea Bass." OK, that one was edited for F-O-I-B sports column. Still, if there's anything fun coming from the pine tar ejection earlier this week, it's the war of words between Joe Maddon and Davey Johnson, the aged managers of the Rays and Nats. When asked whether the two would meet to settle their differences, Johnson said, "No, I don't know him that well, but I thought he was a weird wuss anyway, so no."

— "Man you're one pathetic loser. No offense." The defense rested in the Jerry Sandusky trial without sending the former Penn State defensive coordinator and alleged child rapist to the stand. How overwhelming is the negativity around this dude? According to a story on the town of Sandusky, Ohio is thinking of changing its name to Perkins because of the unfortunate coincidence. (Of course if Kendrick Perkins keeps stinking up the NBA Finals, they may have to go to Option No. 3.)

— Jim Carrey's run in 1994 was jaw-dropping. In addition to "Dumb and Dumber" he had "The Mask" and "Ace Ventura." All in 1994. Anthony Davis will cap a similarly awesome-in-its-awesomeness-type of run next week when he's the No. 1 overall pick in the draft. Davis, the sensational Kentucky center know affectionately as the Uniblocker because of his ability to swap shots and his massive Unibrow (what appears to be joined eye brows making one long brow... let's move along), won the NCAA title, was named NCAA freshman of the year and NCAA player of the year. Well-played Mr. Uniblocker, well-played indeed.

— "Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!" Just when we thought the Braves were D-E-D dead, they thump the hottest team in baseball twice. And welcome back Freddie Freeman, who hit a three-run homer in the first inning of Wednesday's 10-5 win over the Yankees. Research alert: The Braves are 4-9 without Freeman in the lineup and 33-23 with Freeman on the field.

— "Our pets' heads are falling off!" One of the sad moments of the movie — "Pretty bird, pretty bird," — when Lloyd and Harry find the canary has been killed. Well, that may be how the football folks in Knoxville feel right now. After finishing 1-7 in SEC play last year, the Vols had the lowest APR among football programs in the SEC, too. Hey, at least they are consistent.


Today's question

OK, the 1980s was high time for comedy. "Caddyshack," "Stripes," "Fletch," and that's not even touching the comedy gold that was Eddie Murphy in the late 1980s, there were a ton. We've been pretty impressed with some of the big-time comedies in the 2000s from "Hangover" to "Old School" to "Weeding Crashers" etc.

But in honor of "Dumb and Dumber," what is the Rushmore of comedies in the 1990s?

There are two dunks for us — "Dumb and Dumber" and "Tommy Boy" and from there it gets tougher. Comedy took on a more grunge turn with a touch of serious. Jay and Silent Bob had a nice roll and so did the Coen Brothers. There also was a turn to spoof movies and even some high-quality kids comedies (Toy Story has aged quite well thank you). That said, there were a ton

Here's out Rushmore of 1990s comedies and we think there is a real chance this may be the most wide-ranging Rushmore in recent memory because of the wide range of choices and differing tastes.

Dumb and Dumber, Tommy Boy, There's Something About Mary, Office Space. (Yes we left off the Big Lebowski and several others like Friday, City Slickers, Austin Powers, etc., but these four are funnier to us. That said, it was not a great decade for comedies but an AWE-some decade for movies in general. Silence of the Lambs, Braveheart, Gladiator, Forrest Gump is just for starters.)

Discuss. (And don't forget Friday's mailbag)

about Jay Greeson...

Jay was named the Sports Editor of the Times Free Press in 2003 and started with the newspaper in May 2002 as the Deputy Sports Editor. He was born and raised in Smyrna, Ga., and graduated from Auburn University before starting his newspaper career in 1997 with the Newnan (Ga.) Times Herald. Stops in Clayton and Henry counties in Georgia and two years as the Sports Editor of the Marietta (Ga.) Daily Journal preceded Jay’s ...

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chas9 said...

The 5@10 column theme is dum an dummer on the same morning Ace Patrick Brown reports on The Vols' lackluster academics. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Patrick correctly points out that there's been a bit of turnover in the orange-clad coaching ranks recently, and here's saying the Kiffin and Pearl loose handles on integrity affects the players' classroom, too. But Tennessee's being at the bottom of the SEC's academics, or near it, goes back farther than the recent unpleasantness.

Congrats again to the university's always strong women's basketball performance. We guys should hang our heads in shame when we look at how well almost all female athletes at almost all schools do in the classroom.

The good news for Knoxville U is all teams escaped super double secret probation, though some by only the skin of their teeth. Unlike the previously much-touted U-Conn's basketball program, which is suffering serious sanctions.

Smug East-coast snobs alert: The day of smearing the South with the dumb redneck label is over. Hey, even Jethro went to Oxford.

And in spite of its string of one-and-done players, UK basketball's APR score is passing.

June 21, 2012 at 11:10 a.m.
jgreeson said...

9er —

No connection in the least between the Carrey vehicle and the Vols' APR woes. Well, there was not any until you mentioned it that is.

Turnover can crush an APR, which makes UK hoops surviving the one-and-done parade impressive.

And Jethro went to Oxford because of all the pretty co-eds at Ole Miss. What different Oxford?

— 5-at-10

June 21, 2012 at 1:05 p.m.
BIspy4 said...

Freddie's was a two-run bomb, but that's only quibbling.

And about the Henry Hammer, Jason Heyward, hitting two out, including one of a slider going down and away from a lefty, for the clincher? Nice.

I'll go Dumb and Dumber, Office Space and Tommy Boy for 90s comedies. Would love to throw in O Brother, but it's a 2000 release. Dagnabbit.

But I will add Father of the Bride as another shrimp on the barbie, Naked Gun 2 1/2 and My Cousin Vinny to block (OK, a little American Pie dessert. That sounds good, I'll have that.)

June 21, 2012 at 1:11 p.m.
jgreeson said...

Spy —

Misread the box score. So it goes.

Would love to throw O Brother there too but we however can not.

While funny, Father of the Bride feels more drama than comedy in a lot of ways. Just a tremendous movie, and now that we have a daughter, it could be kind of a horror flick to be quite honest. (Because we can certainly see some of the 5-at-10 in Mr. Banks and his navy blue Tux-aw-dough.

— 5-at-10

June 21, 2012 at 1:17 p.m.
chas9 said...

Ole Miss Oxford is a trip into the past, but not my allusion. In an old Beverly Hillbillies episode Miss Hathaway swoons over learning that Jethro Bodine is a grad of Oxford. Later in the show we learn that his alma mater is Oxford Elementary, down by the shallow place where the livestock crossed the creek.

I'm pretty sure Blueoval, Blspy and Chancellor are old enough to remember and confirm my facts.

June 21, 2012 at 1:38 p.m.
mcpell3 said...

chas, unfortunately I am old enough to confirm that you are correct on Jethro's alma mater.

My cousin vinny is a classic.

June 21, 2012 at 1:48 p.m.
jgreeson said...

9er —

We may be a touch on the young end to truly enjoy the Beverly Hillbillies references, but we do know the following about the BH franchise:

— First, Granny Clampett and Lou Holtz are the same person. (Have you ever seen the two of them together in the same building?)

— Cement Pond is high comedy.

— Ellie May was easy on the eyes.

— Who had more range in TV history than Buddy Ebsen? Dude was Jed Clampett and Barnaby Jones. Plus he was dance partners with Shirley Temple and Judy Garland in the 1930s (Ebsen was originally cast as the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz but switched to become the Tin Man but was allergic to the make-up). Dude could go.

McPell —

MCV is a clasasic. Two utes? And you blend.

— 5-at-10

June 21, 2012 at 2:02 p.m.
BIspy4 said...

Don't forget Buddy Ebsen's role as Audrey Hepburn's husband (?) in "Breakfast at Tiffany's."

June 21, 2012 at 2:06 p.m.
Blueoval said...

Chas, I remember that one and I am old enough. Mr 5/10 and I are about the same age and you know he was watching the Clampetts down where he grew up......I'm sure the Turner Network had that show running every day.

June 21, 2012 at 2:06 p.m.
memphisexile said...

"We landed on the Moon!"

June 21, 2012 at 2:12 p.m.
BIspy4 said...

Don't know if anything was better than Mr. Drysdale asking Jed to "shoot some golfs" with him. Or having the pot-passers at the "fancy eatin' table."

June 21, 2012 at 2:22 p.m.
Livn4life said...

Yeah man, you underscore the fact that this PLAYOFF! to use the exclamation of Jim Mora those years ago, will become a fiasco. Without teams actually playing their way into a "final" game, we will have the same beauty pageant and popularity contests. So we can at last say we have a Division 1A Playoff but will we still get the best teams against one another in the "BIG GAME?" I hold my peace, or is that piece until it plays out in the real world. I gotta believe it'll be circusesque. OK LaBron wins, so no big deal, what about when they were suppose to have won before? What about that dinky little wimpo coach down in Miami and his inabilities? What about Wade's brokenness over the ex and denial of access to his children?...OK that last one was a little over the toll bridge. If they win, they get their due.

June 21, 2012 at 2:30 p.m.

Well doggies.

June 21, 2012 at 2:32 p.m.
chas9 said...

Shooting some golfs was a great line! And Ellie Mae was a deadeye shot with her double-barrel slingshot. And Jay is right about Granny=Holtz.

Didja know Jethro was Max Baer, Jr., and his dad MB Sr. was heavyweight champeen of the world, back when that was a big deal?

June 21, 2012 at 2:38 p.m.
jgreeson said...

Spy —

Almost included that one too, but we had to run to a meeting. Stupid meetings.

As for Mr Drysdale, what a foreshadowing of corporate America chasing after and kissing up to the oil barons of all walks of like.

Oval —

We're roughly the same age but we just never got wrapped into the BHs. Loved the theme song, though.

Exile —

Allegedly. And in truth it actually is made of cheese.

Livn(Large) —

We just had the same chat about the playoff with Chris Goforth on his radio show. All the details are phantom semantics at this point so there is littler reason for excitement.

That said, anyone who thinks this is about fairness or competition or finding the best way to determine a champ is nuts. This is about the power conferences getting more power and the rich staying the richest.


Well-played, sir. Well-played indeed.

— 5-at-10

June 21, 2012 at 2:43 p.m.
BIspy4 said...

Donna Douglas (very well played by Erika Eleniak in the Beverly Hillbillies movie ... where was I? oh, yeah) was a guest star on a Mr Ed episode, playing the part of Clint Eastwood's girlfriend, as Mr Ed kept interrupting on the party line and Clint traced the interruption back to Wilbur's house and threatened to go all Sea Bass on Wilbur if he kept it up.

But I digress....

June 21, 2012 at 2:45 p.m.
jgreeson said...

9er —

Great call. How about that cross over of stardom?

Sports star — and Baer was a world-wide star before Russell Crowe's character in Cinderella Man KOed him — and TV star combos?

We'll have to think on that one.

— 5-at-10

June 21, 2012 at 2:46 p.m.
jgreeson said...

Spy —

Step away from NickatNite. Put the control down and get outside.

Put the remote down and back away.

Eastwood appearing in those old TV shows — or seeing him in the reruns and being like, "Hey, that's flippin' Clint Eastwood for crying out loud — is the back-then version of Clooney on Facts of Life.

Don't you know Clooney wishes he could buy all the back copies of FoL and Rosanne and burn them back behind the barn.

And while Eastwood and Clooney eventually found their stride, has anyone been slap money from front to back of a career like Ron Howard? Opie to Richie to American Graffitti to being one of the movie directors in films.

Well-played indeed. Mr. and Mrs. C must be so proud. (Although that good for nothing Chuck and Joni didn't amount to much.)

— 5-at-10

June 21, 2012 at 2:51 p.m.
chas9 said...

Hillbillies had quite a cast of actors. All the straight guys of my generation lusted after Donna Douglass, and I suppose the rest lusted after Max Baer. Not that there's anything wrong with that. And then Jeannie came along and showed us her navel!

Question for Friday: Who was hotter, Donna Douglass or Barbara Eden? (hint, it's not close)

June 21, 2012 at 3:23 p.m.
Todd962 said...

Oh sweet baby Noogieburger, a Dumb and Dumber 5-@-10. Let it be known that if I were going to start a religion, that movie would be my bible. And that probably explains a lot about me in that one statement.

"Aspen? I dont know Llyod, the French are a-holes."

"Tic tac sir?"

Do you think when Lebron wins it tonight with the rest of the Heat clinging to his back, snot running down their faces, he'll turn to them and say "We're there!"?

Of all days to be busy at work...I'd get a different job but I cant seem to find one, unless you want to work forty hours a week! Pff.

"Big Gulps huh? Welp, see ya later!"

Sidenote: I was censored today when attempting to submit. Apparently the TFP knew a-hole was over the line for a family based interweb thingy. Clever girl...

June 21, 2012 at 3:49 p.m.
jgreeson said...

9er —

The mailbag is starting to fill but we may find room for that one.

Mr. 962 —

How did the know you have gas?

These your skis? Yep.

Both of them? Uh-huh.


June 21, 2012 at 4 p.m.
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