published Thursday, April 10th, 2014

PunchLines

Dave Letterman's Top 10

Top 10 ways to make your college application stand out

10. Address envelope to “The Very Handsome Dean of Admissions.”

9. Every fifth word: heretofore.

8. Include a very well-lit photograph of your brain.

7. Mention your love of sleeping in bunk beds.

6. Lots of glitter.

5. Include a moist towelette.

4. Instead of ink, use delicious butterscotch.

3. If you’ve been to space, mention you’ve been to space.

2. Personally give it to the dean at home in the middle of the night.

1. In the part that says, “For office use only,” write, “accept.”

Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”

Fully hydrated

Aunt Fanny was turning 100 years old, and a visiting reporter was asking her secret to a long life.

She said, “For better digestion, I drink beer. In case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. If I have low blood pressure, I drink red wine. If I have high blood pressure, I drink Scotch. And when I have a cold, I drink schnapps.”

“My, that’s quite a list,” the reporter said. “When do you drink water?”

Aunt Fanny said, “I’ve never been that sick.”

Make the rounds

Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.

He says to them:

“Bernie, I want you to take the Manhattan houses.

“Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East End.

“Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Mr. Smith slips away, she says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

Sarah replies, “Property? The jerk had a paper route.”

Pun fun

From Leland Parrott:

There was a young lad who was counting on his Uncle Al to take him to the circus. On the big day, however, his mother told him that his uncle had flown to Australia to see the Davis Cup matches.

“I didn’t know Uncle Al loved that game so much,” mourned the boy.

“Oh, but he does,” she assured him. “Many’s the time I’ve heard Alfred laud tennis, son!”

Culture clash

Did you hear that the people of Saudi Arabia don’t like the Flintstones? But the people of Abu Dhabi do.

Marine life

After joining the Marines, a West Virginia farm kid writes home.

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave, but it is not so bad. There’s warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet, and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bull’s-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though. They break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that old bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6’ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8’ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Current events

From politicalhumor.about.com:

“The White House finally met their enrollment goal for Obamacare. President Obama held a press conference and said this means that Obamacare is ‘here to stay.’ He added, ‘because if you think getting into the program was hard, just try getting out.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“The White House says it’s surpassed its goal for people enrolled in Obamacare. It’s amazing what you can achieve when you make something mandatory and fine people if they don’t do it and keep extending the deadline for months.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia’s invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn’t own a cellphone or use the Internet due to fear of being tracked. You can tell Putin doesn’t spend much time online. When he says ‘LOL,’ he means ‘Look out, Latvia.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Officials in Finland say the Russian army is now conducting drills on its border. Or as Vladimir Putin calls that, ‘window shopping.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“The Secret Service arrested a man today after he tried to scale a fence at the White House. They reportedly said to the man, ‘Sorry, but you still have two more years, Mr. President.’” — Seth Meyers

“U.N. experts are saying that climate change could start threatening the world’s supply of fruits and vegetables. Then Americans said, ‘OK, let us know when it starts affecting Twinkies and Hot Pockets.’” — Jimmy Fallon

Laugh Lines is compiled from reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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