DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10Top 10 summer blockbuster films about presidents(from the 2012 archives)10. "Jurassic Polk"9. "Franklin Delano Robocop"8. "Harding and Kumar Go to White Castle"7. "The Trumanator"6. "Prometheus S. Grant"5. "How Bubba Got His Groove Back"4. "Herbert Hoover: Fully Loaded"3. "Buchanan vs. Predator"2. "James Monroe: Male Gigolo"1. "Dude, Where's My Birth Certficate?"Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"
Not so fast
Doctor: Well, these results look bad.
Patient: How bad are they?
Doctor: It depends. How old are you?
Patient: I'll be 24 soon.
Doctor: Pfff, no, you won't.
Deductive reasoning
Bubba tells his friend Earl that he's applying for a job installing fences.
Earl knows that Bubba's no math whiz, so he's not sure how well Bubba can do figuring out distances and such.
He says, "Bubba, how do you figure out how long a fence is?"
Bubba says, "That's easy, Earl. Where I live, every fence is around a yard."
She doesn't fontcy him
Q: Why did the girl keyboard reject the guy keyboard?
A: He wasn't her type.
Diagnosis
Doctors couldn't figure out why Mr. Smith was so depressed. They interviewed him about how his day had gone, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. They asked him what he ate. He said he had a watermelon smoothie with broccoli salad for lunch.
Then they realized, he was melonccoli.
Shhhh
A man walks into a library, approaches the young woman at the front counter and says, "Can I have fish and chips please?"
The librarian looks at him very confused and says, "Sorry, this is a library."
The man whispers, "Can I have fish and chips please?"
Number's up
The number 13,579 walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry, can't serve you. You're too odd."
Now 'ear this
Q: Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A: His left ear, his right ear and his wild frontier.
Bedtime story
Q: Why do you have to go to bed?
A: Because the bed won't come to you.
Shoe-in
A woman was explaining to her boss that she was late returning from lunch because she had stopped to buy shoes, but a cash register error kept ringing them up at 1 cent.
He said, "Were you buying penny loafers?"
Dental work
A man tells his dentist, "Everything feels fine, but when I push these two teeth with my tongue, they wiggle a bit. Is that normal?"
The dentist begins to examine the man's teeth and says, "I see what you mean - these two teeth right here?"
He says, "Yes, exactly! What should I do?"
The dentist says, "Stop pushing on your teeth with your tongue."
Money fables
Q: Who are the greatest financiers in the Bible?
A: Noah, because all of his stock was afloat when the rest of the world was in liquidation; and Pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank and found a little prophet.
Hard bargain
A man is leaving his rural town for the first time to visit the big city. His fellow villagers don't want him to get ripped off, so they give him some advice: Never agree to the seller's price. Always ask for half the price.
So the man arrives at the city and sees an umbrella store. He heads in to buy an umbrella.
He asks the clerk how much for an umbrella. The clerk replies: $10. Sticking to his strategy, the man says, "How about $5?"
The clerk tries to negotiate, but the man doesn't budge. Finally, the clerk agrees. "Fine, I'll sell it to you for $5."
To this, the rube replies, "How about $2.50?"
The clerk is taken aback but eventually rationalizes that just making the sale is worth something, so he agrees to $2.50.
The man goes on, "How about $1.25?"
This continues for a while, with the man wearing the clerk down, until the price is down to 2 cents.
And the man says, "How about 1 cent?"
The clerk is so fed up, he tells the man," Look, you can have it for free."
The man finally seems satisfied. Then he turns to the clerk and says, "I'll take two."
Two left feet
The teacher tells a little girl in her class, "Susie, I think you have your shoes on the wrong feet."
Susie says, "I don't think so. These are the only feet I have."
Current events
From politicalhumor.about.com:
• "To commemorate the 25th anniversary of 'Field of Dreams,' the Iowa State Fair is displaying a 200-pound butter sculpture of Kevin Costner. Or as Paula Deen put it, 'If you build it ... I will come.'" - Jimmy Fallon
• "The U.S. Postal service has lost $2 billion this spring. Postal officials are busy emailing each other wondering how this could happen." - Conan O'Brien
• "Yesterday was Bill Clinton's birthday. Hillary yelled surprise, and out of habit, Bill yelled, 'I can explain.'" - Conan O'Brien
• "Rumor has it that Texas Gov. Rick Perry badly wants to run in the next presidential race. You can tell Perry's behind it because they're starting to make signs that say 'Perry 2017.'" - Conan O'Brien
• "It looks like Rick Perry's chances in 2016 might be in trouble. Or as Hillary put it, 'One down, four more to go.'" - Jimmy Fallon
• "Hillary Clinton is returning to Iowa next month for the first time since her failed presidential run in 2008. Hillary denies just being there for politics. She said, 'I love Iowa for their ... OK, I'm running for president.'" - Jimmy Fallon
• "Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush announced he is against medical marijuana in the state because it could hurt the tourism industry. Then Jamaica was like, 'You sure, man?'" - Jimmy Fallon
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.