published Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

Laugh Lines

Calendar daze

As long as we’re buying calendars, we might as well choose something funny. Here are some of the options.

From “Funniest Jewish Jokes Ever” by Marnie Winston-Macauley:

Dora, an elderly bubbe (grandmother), was sitting at home one day when her phone rang.

“Hello,” she said.

A breathy male voice replied, “Hello. I can tell from your voice you’d like for me to come to your house, take off your clothes, throw you onto your bed and make mad, passionate love to you.”

“Excuse me, mistah, but all this you got from one ‘hello’?”

From “Nurses Jokes, Quotes and Anecdotes”:

Caller: Is this the expensive scare unit?

Nurse: No. Well … now that you mention it …

From “Lawyers Jokes, Quotes and Anecdotes” (from actual court records):

Attorney: Did you blow your horn or anything?

Witness: After the accident?

Attorney: Before the accident.

Witness: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

From “Teachers Jokes, Quotes and Anecdotes”:

Things a teacher wouldn’t say:

“I couldn’t grade your papers last night because I had a soccer game.”

“I forgot the supplies for our project. Can I go call my mom?”

“I would have marked those tests yesterday, but nobody reminded me.”

From “Classic Dave Barry”:

When I page through my high-school yearbook (Theme: “Goobers on Parade”), I say to myself: Did we really look like that? How come nobody told us? How come, in Boys Health Class, instead of Mr. Beatty’s spending an hour explaining how we could get mononucleosis from slow dancing — mononucleosis was a major fad back then — he didn’t just come right out and say: “Boys, you’re never going to get anywhere near the opposite sex until you stop smearing your hair with what appears to be moose mucous.”

From “Jokes You Can’t Tell Your Mother”:

Love, lust and marriage defined:

Love — When you’re only interested in doing things with your partner.

Lust — When you’re only interested in doing things TO your partner.

Marriage — When you’re only interested in your golf score.

From “That’s What She Said,” a collection of quotes by funny women:

“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I’ve never tried.” — Mae West

“Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” — Paula Poundstone

From “The Original 365 (Really Bad) Jokes, Puns & Even a Few Riddles for the Whole Family”:

Q: Why was Cinderella bad at soccer?

A: She always ran away from the ball.

Men explained

Making the email rounds: A public service message for women to better understand the male.

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this isn’t a problem.

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If it has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it. (Though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.)

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. If you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2014, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest.

Current events

Let’s catch up on news from the last few weeks, from politicalhumor.about.com:

*“It’s really starting the look like Hillary Clinton’s going to run. The digital team behind both of President Obama’s campaigns is already preparing for a Hillary Clinton run. They’re starting early because they’ve got to delete 10 years of Bill Clinton’s browser history.” — Conan O’Brien

* “An entrepreneur has made a device that can prevent the NSA from spying on you by blocking your laptop’s camera. This new high-tech device is called a small piece of tape.” — Conan O’Brien

* “Over the weekend the Obamacare website was down. Fortunately, most Americans were unaffected because they never knew it was up.” — Jay Leno

* "The U.S. Post Office announced that today is the busiest shipping day of the year. Six hundred million packages were shipped today, and as many as 500,000 of those will actually be delivered.” — Jay Leno

* “Is Santa Claus an American? Well he is fat and wears a velvet track suit.” — Stephen Colbert

* “In a speech, Russian president Vladimir Putin slammed the U.S. for being ‘genderless and infertile.’ My question is: How did Vladimir Putin get his hands on my Match.com profile?” — Conan O’Brien

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

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