Pick a side
Two chickens are standing on opposite sides of the road.
The first chicken says, "How do I get to the other side?"
The second chicken says, "You are on the other side."
Please choose
Several shoppers in the six-item express lane at the grocery store stood in line quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, a woman ahead of them had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Just then, the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Time running out
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, an elderly couple were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
Career move
Did you ever think that the reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed?
No longer responsible
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Hold up
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man."
Eugene said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Abe said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
Keep it in perspective
Smith climbs to the top of Mount Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
Good lead
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the doctor. "Take a deep breath, and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's Bar?"
Considering the alternative ...
A man goes to see the rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening, and I have to talk to you about it."
The rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"
The man replies, "My wife is going to poison me."
The rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out, and I'll let you know."
A week later the rabbi calls the man.
He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man says, "Yes."
The rabbi replies, "Take the poison."
Last gasp
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath, John said, "I do!"
Countdown
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing toward the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer asked the young man.
"I'm 19," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about 12 minutes she'll be 16."
Pulled the punch
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist, and there's a huge flower line there. It takes a while, but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily, and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table, and there's no punchline.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.