published Thursday, May 15th, 2014

PunchLines

Top 10 Broadway show misfortunes

10Rocky sprained wrist while punching meat.

9During actor shortage, audience forced to choose guys or dolls.

8Stagehand made eye contact with Liza Minnelli.

7Earwigs at “Hedwig.”

6Bird strike forced Mary Poppins to land in Hudson.

5Phantom injured other side of face.

4“Kiss Me Kate” cold sore epidemic.

3Jersey Boys stuck in traffic on George Washington Bridge.

2You’re lookin’ at one of them.

1Donald Sterling heckling “The Wiz.”

Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”

Add-ons

Leland Parrott sends this list of words that should be added to the dictionary.

Snackmosphere: The 95 percent air inside bags of potato chips.

Ohnosecond: That very short moment in time during which you realize that you have pressed the wrong key and deleted hours, days or weeks of work.

Eiffelites: Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean, they follow suit.

Meganegabar: The line you put on a check to prevent someone else from adding “and a million dollars.”

Frust: The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan, keeps backing a person across the room until she finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Petrophobic: One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

Snork: To spew what you’re drinking or chewing in a fit of sudden laughter.

Cylences: Long gaps in a phone conversation that occur because one person is also reading email, instant-messaging or shopping online. Answering the door could also fit this definition.

Accordianated: Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

Exhaustipated: Being so tired that when you try to speak, nothing comes out right.

Testlosterone: The hormone that prevents men from stopping and asking for directions.

Refunnable: Something you enjoyed so much you’d do it again.

Treeware: Documents made out of paper, as opposed to electronic documents, called freeware.

Disconfect: To “sterilize” the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the germs.

Newtrons: Magnetized particles that amazingly hold Fig Newtons together.

Prairiedogged: The feeling of helplessness you get when co-workers in neighboring cubicles constantly pop their heads up to ask you stupid questions.

Aqualibrium: The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to suck the nozzle or squirting himself in the eye/ear.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Elecelleration: The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

Mallmanac: In a large mall, the giant maze with blocks and numbers on it, otherwise known as “Directory.”

Hereoglyph: A little stick figure on a mallmanac that tells where you are. (Except you should know that already.)

Peppier: The attendant at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Phonesia: The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Aeroma: The odor emanating from an exercise room after an aerobics class.

Dimp: A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, “Do you work here?”

Dessertification: The act of eating less than the entire meal in order to save room for dessert.

Kirby: A small (but repulsive) piece of food prominently attached to a person’s face or clothing.

Zen mail: Email message that arrives with no text in it.

Klong: The sudden overwhelming feeling of fear and panic when you feel that everything is going well, you have plenty of time and you suddenly remember there was someplace else VERY important that you are supposed to be RIGHT NOW!

Snee: A sneeze that doesn’t completely execute.

Riddles

Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octupus laugh?

A: Ten tickles.

Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

A: An investigator.

Q: What happens when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?

A: Udder destruction.

Q: Did you hear about the two silkworms in a race?

A: They wound up in a tie.

Q: Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?

A: It was two-tired.

Q: Why was the broom late for work?

A: Because it overswept.

Q: Where does a TV controller go on a vacation?

A: A remote island.

Q: What did one eye say to the other?

A: Between the two of us, I think something smells.

Current events

From politicalhumor.about.com:

“Here’s an update on our pal, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. In a new interview, Ford said that he’s enjoying rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then the counselors said, ‘Actually, this IS a football camp. You wandered in here last night at 3 a.m.’ Please leave.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, Rob Ford said he likes rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then his parents were like, ‘Uh … that was also rehab.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in rehab, and he said it is amazing. Ford said, ‘I love it so much, I’m going to do this every year.’” — Conan O’Brien

“Monica Lewinsky is breaking her silence about her affair with Bill Clinton for a new essay in Vanity Fair. In the essay, she actually says, ‘It’s time to burn the beret, bury the blue dress and move on.’ And Americans said, ‘Yeah, we did 15 years ago. Where have you been.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said her guilty pleasure is eating chocolate. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton said his guilty pleasure is being Bill Clinton.” — Conan O’Brien

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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