According to reports in various news outlets last week, Tennessee is the most stressed-out state in America.
And it doesn't help to flee, unless you've got time to kill and a tank of gas. Alabama ranked No. 2, and Georgia is No. 7 among states where people have the worst stress. Yes, friends, if stress has a face, we are living on its red, bulbous nose.
The state stress rankings, as reported on CNBC.com, purport to measure stress involving money, work, health and family. If you believe the results, people in good old Tennessee are more stressed than people in hair-on-fire New York.
Whatever.
If you ask me, rankings like this are what's stressing people out.
The rankings said Tennesseans suffer from especially high rates of depression, poor health, excessive credit card debt, difficult workweeks, long commute times and body odor. OK, I made that last one up. But it could be true.
(READ MORE: First Things First: Find healthy ways to cope with stress)
As a lifelong citizen of the Devil's Triangle of stress — Tennessee, Alabama and Georgia — let me suggest some stress contributors that were left off the list.
— Chick-fil-A closing on Sundays. You're probably thinking, "How can this be a big deal?" Well, it is. While most people in the South respect the chicken chain's decision to close on the Lord's Day, we grew up eating fried chicken after church and it makes us a little crazy when we realize Chik-fil-A is closed on Sunday — AGAIN! Also, Chick-fil-A is our heaven, the one place on Earth we can trust people to be respectful and competent. Yes, people, it has come to that.
— California Yankees. Let me be careful here. I grew up in a mid-South where "Yankees" were basically anyone born in a state not contiguous with Tennessee. I realize this makes no sense geographically, unless you consider that Tennessee and the states it touches make up 18% of the United States of America, which is, like, the size of Western Europe. (By the way, I saw a map the other day that showed that Australia is almost as big as the continental United States and it freaked me out.)
So, all these people coming to live in Tennessee now from California — who apparently didn't get the memo that we are a stressed-out mess — make us nervous, drive up our rents and mortgages, and bring us their peculiar ways — i.e. pickleball, In-N-Out burgers.
— Fireworks laws. I feel like Tennesseans need concealed-carry protections for fireworks. I can't prove it, but I think we have a constitutional right to shoot off fireworks anywhere we want except maybe churches, Dairy Queens and funeral homes. I also think we should be able to carry a pocket full of M-80s at all times — well, except on airplanes. I think this would relieve a lot of stress.
It causes me stress that a deputy may come get me on the Fourth of July if I shoot off some Roman candles in my driveway and my neighbor's poodle dog gets upset. Back in the 20th century, our dogs — mostly hounds who lived outdoors and ate raw raccoons — were not bothered in the least by small explosions, owing to the fact that they grew up drooling to the sound of shotguns.
— Legalized gambling. Nobody talks about this, but most men in Tennessee now gamble 3.4 times a day on their smartphones. (Not a scientific estimate, just me spitballing.)
(READ MORE: Winner's circle: Tennesseans have wagered more than $4.3 billion since November 2020 when legalized sports betting first came online, generating millions in tax revenue
So, suddenly some guy in Soddy-Daisy who is playing the "over" on Gonzaga vs. Arkansas-Pine Bluff with the grocery money is on ESPN.com at midnight, grinding his teeth on a Slim Jim. Talk about stress.
(READ MORE: Tennesseans are wagering billions on sports)
— Pollen. OK, hear me out. I believe pollen is a silent killer in Tennessee. The human head is only built to absorb so many sneezes. And I, for one, am way over my limit.
Meanwhile, we have more flora around here than a rich person's funeral. Most of us are just plain worn out by the whole situation. There's not enough Benadryl in America to fix this. And most people would rather ask for head-lice treatment than a pack of Sudafed at the drugstore.
— Nashville. It is only beginning to sink in that our capital city's growth is becoming a problem for our state's stress level. Once a city (or technically a metropolitan area) gets over 2 million people, it's a slippery slope to, well, Atlanta. Go to the Downtown Connector in Atlanta at 5 p.m. on a weekday, and then tell the stress doctors how you feel.
Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6645.