Casey PhillipsPatty Shukla, I'm not sure whether I should kiss you or send you a first-class slap to the face.
Before I'm accused of either adultery or assault and battery, let me explain why I'm so emotionally torn about the Florida-based, rosy-cheeked children's musician.
Just after Christmas, my in-laws visited from Mobile, Ala., and during their stay, there were rare moments when my son, Henry, would transform into what I can only describe as a tear-spewing volcano of screaming misery.
Through careful study and rigorous field testing, my wife and I have assembled an arsenal of tools to deal with these - thankfully infrequent - appearances by Baby Hyde.
There's a two-hour video of lullabies and swirling, colorful shapes that mesmerizes him, as well as a board book he loves (to chew on). Then there's his favorite toy, an adorable stuffed cat pacifier we named Gerald, although I've secretly dubbed him "El Gato Rey, the Lord of Blissful Silence."
When confronted with an appearance of Baby Hyde during my in-laws' visit, however, Henry's grandmother introduced him to "Little Red," one of the most popular songs on Shukla's YouTube channel.
The video features a simple animated cartoon starring a racehorse named Little Red. It's all fairly inoffensive, except that in less than 150 seconds, Shukla sings the word "gallop" 42 times in such a sickeningly sing-song rhythm that it can't help but become hopelessly stuck in your brain.
Naturally, Henry loves it, even the Spanish version "Rojito el Caballo." He immediately stops crying and laser-focuses on that stupid horse. Consequently, it has grudgingly been added to the Armada of Silence, a move echoed by plenty of other parents, judging by the 41 million views "Little Red" has garnered since 2010. (That's 1.7 billion "gallops," in case you're keeping track.)
I've known this day was coming since before Henry arrived. Until now, I've curated everything he listens to, a musical diet primarily comprised of The Beatles, soothing folk singers and world and classical music - all of which I can tolerate hearing ad nauseam. Now, those days are past. Henry is starting to develop his own interests, to choose for himself.
I suppose it's not Little Red's ceaseless galloping that has turned me against Shukla; it's that, even at 6 months old, Henry's love of her song is a reminder that my baby boy is already growing up.
For that, I think, Little Red should be sent to the stable with his tail between his legs. And he better not gallop a single step, or so help me
Contact Casey Phillips at cphillips@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6205. Follow him on Twitter at @PhillipsCTFP.