Chattanooga Now LaughLines

Chattanooga Now LaughLines

July 8th, 2011 in Chattnow Outabout

Music lessons

These are said to be stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in Missouri.

  • Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

  • Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

  • A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

  • John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

  • Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was rather large.

  • Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

  • Henry Purcell is a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.

  • Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

  • An opera is a song of bigly size.

  • When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

  • Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

  • I know what a sextet is, but I had rather not say.

  • Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

  • A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.

  • Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

  • Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.

  • My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

  • A harp is a nude piano.

  • A tuba is much larger than its name.

  • Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

  • Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.

  • A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

  • While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

  • When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.

  • Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.

  • Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes.

  • Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!

  • A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.

  • Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.

  • Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.

  • The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

  • A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.

  • My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.

  • It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

  • Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

Which reminds us ...

Q: What is the most musical part of your body?

A: Your nose. You can pick it and blow it.

Something's missing

There once was a man from Australia

Whose limericks ended in failure

They'd turn out just fine

Until the fourth line.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.