Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

December 6th, 2012 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

Where Is Jesus?

A Sunday school teacher was concerned that his class of preschoolers would think that the story of Jesus' birth was "just another Christmas story." To help them understand that the birth was a real event, he asked them one Sunday, "Who knows where Jesus is today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary added, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet and looked to the teacher for a response. For several long seconds, the teacher was at a loss for words. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew Jesus was in his bathroom.

Little Johnny said, "Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells, 'Good Lord, are you still in there?!' "

Hostess with the mostest

You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down. But you may not have heard how it was split up.

The State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all the Ho Ho's, the generals are sleeping with the CupCakes, and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

Christmas riddles

Q: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

A: Deep pan, crisp and even.

Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do rocket scientists get?

A: Missile-toe.

Q: How many presents can Santa fit in an empty sack?

A: Only one. After that it's not empty anymore.

Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

A: Tinselitus.

Q: What often falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt?

A: Snow.

Q: What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A: A broken drum -- you can't beat it.

Q: What carol is heard in the desert?

A: Camel ye faithful.

Q: What kind of candle burns longer, red or green?

A: Neither; candles always burn shorter.

Q: What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar at Christmas?

A: He got 12 months.

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

A: Claustrophobic.

Diet advice

If you're worried about holiday weight gain, consider the Pasta Diet. Italians have been using it for years. These are the few simple steps.

  1. You walk pasta da bakery.

  2. You walk pasta da candy store.

  3. You walk pasta da ice cream shop.

  4. You walk pasta da table and fridge.

More thoughts on food

• "The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook." -- Julia Child

• "No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office." -- George Bernard Shaw

• "My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat." -- Henny Youngman

• "The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it." -- Jackie Gleason

• "Never eat more than you can lift." -- Miss Piggy

• "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." -- Orson Welles

• "I just started the Dr. Doolittle Diet. That's where you don't eat food. You just talk to it." -- Lisa Pedace

• "I'm not overweight. I'm just 9 inches too short." -- Shelley Winters

• "I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." -- Ed Bluestone

Light fantastic

Here are some ways to know you may be overdoing it on your Christmas lights and yard decor, as adapted from

• You get vertigo watching the dials spin on your electric meter.

• Compared to yours, your neighbors' homes, with only 50,000 lights, look dimly lit.

• The power it takes to run your Christmas lights exceeds what it takes to power the city.

• You raise sheep all year long just to use them in your Nativity display.

• Your yard has so many inflatables, people mistake it for the Home & Garden department of Walmart.

• Planes mistake your front yard for the runway.

• Your lights are so hot, visitors bring marshmallows to roast.

• Your lights are so hot, passers-by can work on their tans.

• Your lights are so hot, you can use your mailbox as a microwave.

• Your lights are so hot, your neighbors don't have to heat their house in December.

• The sun comes up, and the neighbors don't notice any difference.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.