Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

August 1st, 2013 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout


Top 10 British expressions for giving birth:

• 10. Exiting the tube

• 9. Premiering Mr. Bean

• 8. Piersing your Morgan

• 7. Being tossed from the pub

• 6. Bucking the ham

• 5. BBC- section

• 4. Kicking out Pete Best

• 3. Bending it like Beckham

• 2. Blowing a crumpet through a trumpet

• 1. Opening big in the West End

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Baby Cambridge

We'll put the royal baby to rest with this selection from

• "Kate Middleton went into labor this morning in London. When the rest of the royal family heard, they were like, 'Oh my God. What's labor?'" - Jimmy Fallon

• "It finally happened. Kate Middleton gave birth to a baby boy today. The baby weighed about 8 pounds. Americans were like, 'How much is that in dollars?' " - Jimmy Fallon

• "The royal baby has been born. The royal baby was officially welcomed with a 62-gun salute. Because if there's one thing babies love, it's the sound of repeated artillery fire." - Conan O'Brien

• "Experts are predicting that the royal baby could pump 80 million into the British economy. So the question is: How do we get this kid to move to Detroit?" - Conan O'Brien

• "Kate Middleton had her baby. The royal baby is 8 pounds. Then again, you can't really put a price on a child." - Conan O'Brien

• "The royal family is delighted. Prince Harry popped some champagne and danced naked around the palace. Then he heard about the baby." - Craig Ferguson

• "... President Obama released a statement congratulating Prince William and Kate Middleton on the birth of their son. Then he said, 'And whatever you do - hang on to that birth certificate.'" - Jimmy Fallon

• "Queen Elizabeth met the royal baby yesterday. The baby cried, so Queen Elizabeth explained, 'You'll never have to work a day in your life.'" - Conan O'Brien

• "The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.' " - Craig Ferguson

• "William and Kate spent the morning thanking the hospital staff for all their care. And the other patients spent the morning trying to find the hospital staff. 'My wife is having a baby too. Hello! Anybody?' " - Jay Leno

• "The royal baby has left the hospital. He will now go to one of the royal estates, where he will rest comfortably - for the next 80 years." - Jay Leno

• "This royal baby is third in line for the throne. To which Prince Charles said, 'It's a really slow-moving line.'" - Jay Leno

• "Buckingham Palace announced the child's gender. I wish they'd do the same with Camilla." - David Letterman

Weiner roast

The Anthony Weiner jokes practically write themselves. Here's a compilation from

• "There's a new Anthony Weiner scandal. Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He confirmed yesterday that some new sexually explicit messages have been leaked. He sent them to a woman on Facebook using the code name 'Carlos Danger.' Which is still easier to believe than that other name: Mayor Weiner." - Jimmy Fallon

• "It was revealed that Anthony Weiner sent nude pictures of himself to this woman using a 'Carlos Danger' Yahoo email address. His wife was shocked. She said, 'You still use Yahoo?' " - Jimmy Fallon

• "The show tonight may run a little longer than usual, and I'll tell you why. We have about 300 Anthony Weiner jokes to get through." - David Letterman

• "Let me just say this: You know that your campaign is not going well when you open a press conference by saying, 'I told you there would be more lewd photos.' " - David Letterman

• "Yes, even after the sexting scandal that ended his congressional career, it turns out he learned nothing. Has this man never heard of SnapChat? Your [X-rated] shots disappear seconds after you send them ... I have been told." - Stephen Colbert

• "Before we begin the show, I want to ask everyone to turn off their cellphones. It has nothing to do with our program. We just want to protect you from Anthony Weiner. He may try to send you a text." - Jay Leno

• "Anthony Weiner has been caught in yet another sexting scandal. At the beginning of this campaign, he said that other texts and photos were likely to come out. Well, they have. Finally, a politician who keeps his promises!" - Jay Leno

• "Anthony Weiner said yesterday that he wants closure. If he wants closure, he should start with his zipper." - Jay Leno

• "As a comedian, I am pleading with the voters of New York: Please elect this man." - Jay Leno

• "Anthony Weiner released a statement today saying this behavior is behind me. Then he added, if you want to see more of what's behind me, I'll text you a photograph." - Craig Ferguson

• "At the press conference today, Anthony Weiner's wife said she will stand by her husband. Especially when he goes on the computer." - Conan O'Brien

For good measure, we'll throw in a few from before he resigned from Congress:

• "Congressman Weiner is in a lot of a trouble since he tweeted those pictures. But good news for him, he just found out he'll be allowed to keep his porn name - Anthony Weiner." - Conan O'Brien

• "It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, 'I don't know.' " - Conan O'Brien

• "Fifty-one percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it." - Conan O'Brien

Bonus Weiner

Not all of the comments from David Letterman's Top 10 lists can be repeated here, but here are a selected few from three recent Weiner lists.

Other Anthony Weiner pseudonyms:

• Perv Griffin

• James Wand

• Dwight Thighsenhower

Bad press conference opening lines:

• "Allow me to introduce the entire Danger family."

• "My pants will be arriving shortly."

• "Does this look like a bull's-eye rash?"

• "It was never my intention to get caught."

• "I'd like to thank my wives for standing here beside me."

• "I'll keep this short because I need to flee the country."

• "I am so high right now."

• "Florida law says: If I don't like your questions, I can shoot you."

Things Anthony Weiner hears on the campaign trail:

• "Mind if I skip the handshake?"

• "You look less naked in person."

• "Nice stump speech."

• "Do you enjoy pressing the flesh?"

• "Hey, your fly's up ..."

• "Put that away."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.