Top 10 things you don't want to hear from a hardware store employee:
• 10. "Let me guess - you need some lumber to build a girlfriend."
• 9. "That's the same wrench my cousin used to kill his landlord."
• 8. "Can I varnish you?"
• 7. "Sometimes, late at night, the electric outlets talk to me."
• 6. "Are you the one that had the question about home burial?"
• 5. "Hey, you wanna have a hammer fight?"
• 4. "Can you help me get some splinters out of my tongue?"
• 3. "Guess where I hid the lug nut?"
• 2. "Yeah, you look like the type of guy who likes to do it yourself."
• 1. "If I hear about you going to Lowe's, I'll kick your [hiney]."
Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"
Q: What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
A: This will sleigh you.
Q: Why does Santa go down the chimney?
A: Because it soots him.
Q: Why doesn't Santa suffer from claustrophobia when he climbs down the chimney?
A: Because he's had his flue shot.
Q: How do snowmen travel?
A: They ride icicles.
Knowing that an aunt would enjoy an Advent calendar, Don ordered one online and arranged to have it delivered by Dec. 1. It arrived in time. But the company had plastered this message on the outside of the box: Gifts Enclosed - Do Not Open Until Christmas.
Jim asked his friend Tony whether he had bought his wife anything for Christmas.
"Yes," came the answer from Tony, who was a bit of a chauvinist. "I've got her a belt and a bag."
"That's nice," said Jim. "I bet she'll appreciate that."
"I hope so," said Tony. "And maybe the vacuum cleaner will work better now."
Pete bought his wife, Thelma, a beautiful diamond ring as her Christmas present.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, Pete's friend John commented, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," said Pete, "but where on Earth was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
Four-year-old Daniel returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story.
He had learned all about the wise men from the East who brought gifts to the baby Jesus. Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his parents.
"I learned in Sunday school today all about the very first Christmas," he explained. "There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three guys on camels had to deliver all the toys. And Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big light in the sky to find their way around."
Rudolph is a bit under the weather, so Santa takes him to the vet.
"Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph," Santa says. "He feels so bad his nose won't light up."
The vet says, "I know what to do."
He walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier, which he places next to the reindeer. He opens it up, and out steps a cat.
The cat walks around the reindeer, sniffs, then climbs back into the carrier. The vet takes the cat out of the room and returns with the bill.
Santa gasps, "$350! You didn't do anything for my Rudolph, and you're charging me $350?"
The vet shrugs and replies, 'That's the usual charge - $50 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
Mary Jo was going to an office Christmas party but needed a new dress. So she went shopping. In one clothing store, she found a dress to her liking, but it was on a mannequin and she couldn't find it on the rack. She asked the salesgirl, "May I try on that dress in the window, please?"
The salesgirl said, "Certainly not. You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else."
A 6-year-old ran up and down the store aisles shouting frantically, "Marian, Marian!"
Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her: "You shouldn't call me Marian. I'm your mother"
"I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."
• Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
• All I want for Christmas is you ... to get hit by a reindeer.
• My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus. He gives me presents and is imaginary.
• It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
• This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.
• A song told me to "Deck the Halls." So I did. Mr. and Mrs. Hall are not very happy.
• When someone asks you, "Where is your Christmas spirit?" is it so wrong to point out your liquor cabinet?
• Remember: When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
• My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's ticked that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.
• "Obama is wrestling with the health-care rollout debacle. He urged Americans not to be put off by the Obamacare website and offered alternative ways to enroll, such as using the mail. Then the president got on his horse and rode off to spread the news to the next town." - Conan O'Brien
• "Members of the Tea Party gathered outside the White House to demand President Obama's impeachment. The president said he appreciated their views and he is setting up a new website where they can voice their opinion." - Conan O'Brien
• "Former President George W. Bush is on the show tonight. We're very excited about that. As you know, his nickname is 43 because he was the 43rd president. President Obama is nicknamed 44 because that's how many people have signed up for Obamacare." - Jay Leno
• "The Department of Homeland Security revealed that hackers have attempted more than a dozen cyber attacks on the Obamacare website, but couldn't get in. Then Obama said, 'But when you do, let us know how you did it!'" - Jimmy Fallon
• "It seems like everyone's still pretty upset about this Obamacare website. The Department of Health and Human Services emailed 275,000 Americans, encouraging them to give the Obamacare website another try. Then they said, 'But one at a time, so it doesn't crash again.'" - Jimmy Fallon
• "Only about 50,000 people can use the site at a time. Why can only 50,000 people use a government website without crashing it, but 4 million people can watch a kitten try to get its head out of a bag, no problem?" - Jimmy Kimmel
• "Some people got through the Obamacare process only to discover they had inadvertently joined the Navy. They ship out next week." - Jimmy Kimmel
• "In Nevada, where prostitution is legal - true story - prostitutes are signing up for Obamacare. Which explains why the most popular pickup line in Nevada is, 'Let me help you with your co-pay.'" - Conan O'Brien
• "According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading." - Conan O'Brien
• "Amazon announced plans for an amazing service called Amazon Prime Air. When you order something from Amazon that weighs 5 pounds or less, a robot will drop your package on your doorstep. It's all part of Amazon's pledge to drive your dog insane." - Jimmy Kimmel
• "You know, in some countries, seeing an unmanned drone means your village is about to be destroyed. In America, it means you ordered 'Mad Men' on Blu-ray." - Jimmy Kimmel
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.