Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

July 18th, 2013 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout


Top 10 signs your country is too fat:

10. National bird is the Fried Chicken.

9. Motto on currency reads: "You gonna finish that?"

8. Rule is divided among Prime Minister, Parliament and a Dairy Queen.

7. Flag features a steaming plate of ribs.

6. Your president would never pardon a turkey.

5. Official language has 50 words for "bacon."

4. You're the only country drilling for olive oil.

3. National pastime: labored breathing.

2. It's illegal to yell "Free cookies!" in a crowded theater.

1. President is so fat, he's also the vice president.

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

'Sharknado' infested

The Syfy Channel premiered an instant television classic last week with the airing of "Sharknado" about a tornado that carries hundreds of sharks inland. Don't despair if you missed it. Syfy will re-air it tonight, July 18.

NBCUniversal reports that "Sharknado" has become the most "social program on all of television - broadcast and cable - as well as Syfy's most social telecast ever."

At its peak, says, the movie was generating 5,000 tweets a minute. Here are some of Mashable's favorites.

• Dave Itzkoff @ditzkoff: If you watch Sharknado backwards, it's about shark carcasses that fly off the ground, into the air, spit out people and land in the ocean.

• The Dowager Countess @theLadyGrantham: America: The Empire gave you tea, civilisation and the English language - you responded with #Sharknado.

• Casey Pratt @CaseyPrattCSN: I'm surprised that Ian Ziering didn't reach back into that shark's guts and pull out an Oscar for Best Picture.

• Judah Friedlander @JudahWorldChamp: Thanks for watching #Sharknado with me. I'm going to work on my screenplay for Vaginaconda.

• Horatio Sanz @MrHoratioSanz: I wish I could join in on the shenanigans. But I had a cousin that was killed by a #Sharknado back in '93. #RamonRIP.

• B.J. Novak @bjnovak: I'm afraid that now when we have a real sharknado everyone's going to treat it like a joke.

• Wil Wheaton @wilw: I'm not so sure about the science in this movie you guys.

• Kelly Oxford @kellyoxford: Finally, a natural disaster that makes Aquaman useful.

• Kurt Eichenwald @kurteichenwald: I hear Edward Snowden has agreed to come back to the USA on condition that he is allowed to watch #Sharknado. Don't have SyFy in Moscow.

• Danny Zuker @DannyZuker: Can't watch #Sharknado because I'm on the set of my new film Tsunamwolf.

• Eric Stangel @EricStangel: You get the feeling they said this a lot during filming, "Eh, we'll fix it later. It'll look fine."

• Benjy Sarlin @BenjySarlin: I hate all these bandwagon fans watching #Sharknado on TV who didn't read all the books first.

• Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt: I wonder how many people are adding "... and I would chainsaw you out of a shark ..." to their wedding vows.

• Go Fug Yourself @fuggirls: ... I expect sharks to issue a statement distancing themselves.

Current events


• Edward Snowden: "Great news for NSA leaker Edward Snowden. He's just been named Cinnabon Customer of the Month in the Moscow Airport." - David Letterman

• Gay rights: "Televangelist Pat Robertson said he wishes Facebook had a 'vomit button' he could push whenever someone posts a picture of a gay couple kissing. Of course, the other option would be for Pat Robertson to stop searching online for gay men kissing." - Conan O'Brien

• New York politics: "Despite his prostitution scandal several years ago, Eliot Spitzer is running for comptroller of New York. He's paying someone $800 a day to collect signatures to put him on the ballot. He said it's the second-best $800 he's ever spent." - Conan O'Brien

• "With Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer running for political office, New York City is changing its nickname to "The City That Never Sleeps With Its Wife." - Conan O'Brien

• Osama bin Laden: "Pakistan now says Osama bin Laden was able to be avoided [by U.S. drone surveillance] by wearing a cowboy hat. A Pakistani authority said, 'I guess he just got lost in a sea of other Muslims wearing a cowboy hat.' " - Conan O'Brien

• "Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. This guy had no respect for the law. When SEAL Team 6 broke into the house, he said to them, 'Is this about that speeding ticket?' " - David Letterman

Globesity: "The United States is no longer the fattest country in the world. Please help us, Paula Deen. We're no longer the fattest country in the world. That's why they're bringing back Twinkies. The fattest people in the world now are Mexicans. And that's, of course, because they're all living here." - David Letterman

• "Mexico has replaced the U.S. as the world's fattest nation. The U.S. is now No. 2. The Mexican government has done a lot of research. It turns out their people eat way too much Mexican food." - Conan O'Brien

Campaign 2016: "Political experts are saying Joe Biden needs to start doing more fundraising if he wants to run for president in 2016. A lot of people are saying they'd definitely donate to a Biden campaign. Most of them are Republicans, but still." - Jimmy Fallon

• "Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president. In fact, a new ad claims she's so old that she could be a Republican." - Conan O'Brien

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.