Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

May 30th, 2013 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout


Top 10 least memorable James Bond films:

10. "Lick and Let Dry"

9. "You've Only Bathed Twice"

8. "Oldfinger"

7. "Clams Casino Royale"

6. "Gold Bond: The Spy Who Loved Medicated Powder"

5. "Secret Service on Her Majesty"

4. "James Bond: Mall Cop"

3. "Leafraker"

2. "From Rush Limbaugh With Love"

1. "Cold Sores Are Forever"

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Hearing problem

Leroy, a drug addict, goes to a revival and listens to the preacher.

After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear and his other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, steps back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday!"

Glazed and confused

A cop pulls a guy over. "Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking," the officer asks.

The guy says, "Gee, officer, your eyes are awfully glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Bear the cross

This one is said to be a true story.

At the end of a sermon about Jesus taking up his cross to save us because he loves us, the priest said to the congregation, "Follow in the example of Jesus, and let us each embrace our own cross."

It was at that point that a man in the front pew turned to his wife and embraced her.

Remember ...

• It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

• You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

• We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

• A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

• When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

• Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

• Xerox and Wurlitzer are merging. They'll produce reproductive organs.

• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

• The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

• Why can't Congressman wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers do? That way, we could identify their corporate sponsors.

• The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

Fully confessed

A Catholic boy said to the Jewish boy, "Our priest knows more than your rabbi."

The Jewish boy said, "Of course, he does. You tell him everything."

Current events


Around the White House

• "White House officials insist that President Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal until we all heard about it in the news last week. They said because there was an investigation underway, it would have been inappropriate to tell him. And besides, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi." - Jay Leno

• "Everything's going bad for President Obama with Benghazi and other controversies. But Obama's trying to turn things around. He's sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber's monkey." - David Letterman

• "And if SEAL Team 6 doesn't work, he's sending in Dennis Rodman." - David Letterman

• "The White House admitted President Obama's chief of staff had advance warning that the IRS was targeting conservative groups. President Obama says the first time he heard about the IRS and [Associated Press] scandals was from the media. See, that's why President Obama holds press conferences. It's not to explain what's going on. It's to find out what's going on." - Jay Leno

• "A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden." - Conan O'Brien

• "The President also condemned the IRS for targeting conservative groups for extra scrutiny saying, 'Public service is a solemn privilege.' In response, Joe Biden quietly deflated his whoopee cushion." - Seth Meyers

• "During a fundraiser yesterday, President Obama said there is a shortage of common sense right now in Washington. At which point, the people who paid $5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement." - Jimmy Fallon

• "President Obama gave the commencement address at Morehouse College over the weekend. Great speech, very inspiring. He told the young graduates their future is bright - unless, of course, they want jobs." - Jay Leno

Anthony Weiner

• "Last night at midnight, former Congressman Anthony Weiner officially announced in an online video that he is running for mayor of New York. Nothing says 'I put my sleazy past behind me' like showing a video on the Internet at midnight." - Conan O'Brien

Pot smoking

• "A new study estimates that Colorado residents will legally smoke more than 2 million ounces of marijuana next year. That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined." - Jimmy Kimmel

Gay marriage

• "Minnesota this week became the 12th state in the country to legalize gay marriage. So finally Minneapolis can stop pretending St. Paul is just its 'twin.' " - Seth Meyers


• "Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness." - Conan O'Brien

• "It would fun to let atheists into heaven if for no other reason than to see the look on their faces when they get there." - Jimmy Kimmel

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.