Top 10 text messages from Satan
10. Do you smell something not burning?
9. OMG - just took a selfie with Mickey Rooney!
8. My only regret is starting the "Real Housewives" franchise.
7. Geez, Putin, dial it down a notch.
6. Shane! Come back, Shane!
5. I don't want Rob Ford. You take him.
4. Posted some new pictures on Pentagram.
3. Arranging Weird Al's comeback was exhausting.
2. Hang on - Dick Cheney's on the other line.
1. Sorry about the L.A. Clippers, Don.
Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"
Back to school
Q: Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
A: To reach the high notes.
Q: What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria?
A: The food.
Q: Why did nose not want to go to school?
A: He was tired of getting picked on.
Q: How do you get straight A's?
A: By using a ruler.
Q: Why did the kid study in the airplane?
A: Because he wanted a higher education.
Q: How did the music teacher get locked in the classroom?
A: His keys were inside the piano.
Q: What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
A: Stop going in circles and get to the point.
Q: Why did the clock in the cafeteria run slow?
A: It always went back four seconds.
Q: Which is the smartest state?
A: Alabama. It has four A's and one B.
Q: What is the capital of Alaska?
A: Come on, Juneau this one.
Q: What is the capital of Washington?
Kid to his teacher: My father's name is Laughing, and my mother's name is Smiling.
Teacher: You must be kidding.
Kid: No, that's my brother. I'm Joking.
Can't get there
It's little Johnny's first day of school. When the class lines up for recess, the teacher sees Johnny cutting up, so she tells him to go to the end of the line.
By the time they start outside, however, he is at the front of the line again.
"I thought I told you to go to the end of the line," says the teacher.
Johnny says, "I tried, but someone was already there."
Luke comes home from his first day of school. His mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
"Not enough," he says. "They said I have to go back tomorrow."
Add 'em up
Mom: What did you do at school today?
Mary: We did a guessing game.
Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam.
Mary: That's right.
To the point
Teacher: Can anyone give me a sentence with a direct object?
Mark: You are pretty.
Teacher: What's the direct object?
Mark: A good report card.
Two left feet
The teacher tells a little girl in her class, "Susie, I think you have your shoes on the wrong feet."
Susie says, "I don't think so. These are the only feet I have."
All his books
The teacher asks Ronnie, "Who is your favorite author?"
Ronnie says, "George Washington."
The teacher says, "But George Washington never wrote any books."'
Ronnie says, "You got it."
The teacher says to Daisy," Tell the class what book you read over the summer."
Daisy says, "'Black Beauty.'"
The teacher prompts, "And tell the class what it was about."
Daisy says, "It was about 120 pages."
One way it's done
The teacher notices that Jimmy is drawing in his American Revolution textbook. She says, "What do you think you're doing?"
Jimmy says, "Making my mark in history."
Our school has a simple rule as a dress code. If your parents wouldn't wear, then you can't.
We have a kid in class who dresses like a million bucks. Everything he wears is all wrinkled and green.
One guy wears a tie to school every day. Now if they could only get him to wear a shirt.
My parents are very relaxed. I can wear anything I want, provided I don't leave the house.
Sassy but brilliant
The teacher pointed a ruler at a smart-aleck kid and said, "At the end of this ruler, there's an idiot."
The kid got detention for asking, "Which end?"
In bed, it's 6 a.m. You close your eyes for five minutes, it's 7:45.
At school, it's 1:30. You close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 1:31.
Teacher: Craig, you know you can't sleep in my class.
Craig: I know. But may be if you were just a little quieter I could.
Give it a shot
Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her middle-school students, "Use a word 10 times, and it shall be yours for life."
From somewhere in the back of the room came a male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda ..."
Teacher: You copied from Fred's quiz paper, didn't you.
Sam: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred's paper says, "I don't know," and you put "Me neither."
A first-grade teacher handed out a coloring page to her students. On it was a picture of a frog holding an umbrella.
When the class handed them in, one little boy had colored the frog bright purple.
"How often have you seen a purple frog?" the teacher scolded.
The little boy answered, "The same number of times I've seen a frog holding an umbrella."
As seen on Pinterest:
When a teacher wants to know if there are any questions, she doesn't mean any question. She wants to be asked about the things she's teaching. So if she's teaching you about Mexico, don't ask if "Bubbles" is a good name for a hamster.
"I have always been a huge fan of Sarah Palin. She's a strong leader with a proven history of selflessness. I mean, in the midst of her 2008 campaign, she took the time to help out a struggling senior with severely impaired judgment." - Stephen Colbert
"There's a 12-hour cease fire in the Middle East; otherwise known as reloading." - Bill Maher
"The Palestinian leaders have called for a Day of Rage. In Los Angeles we also have a day of rage; that is when you're trying to drive when Obama is in town." -Bill Maher
"But you know what? Hollywood liberals, they are still crazy in love with him. Even when his motorcade turns the freeway into a parking lot, they're like, 'That was the most inspirational traffic jam ever. The way all the cars came together...'" - Bill Maher
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.