Chattanooga Now Punchlines

Chattanooga Now Punchlines

January 30th, 2014 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout


Dave Letterman's Top 1

Top 10 new breeds in the Westminster Kennel Club dog show

10. Heterosexual Poodle

9. Labrador Belieber

8. The French Chihuahua; Chi-oui-oui

7. August: Osage Collie

6. Beagle With Cream Cheese

5. North Korean Uncle Mangler

4. Stretch Dachshund

3. Governor Husky

2. Canadian Crackhound

1. Shih Tstorm

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

How cold is it? It's so cold ...

-- Hitchhikers are holding up pictures of their thumbs.

-- Roosters are rushing into KFC and begging to use the pressure cooker.

-- Opticians are giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

-- Pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm.

-- Politicians are sticking their hands in their own pockets.

-- Grandpa's teeth are chattering ... in the glass.

-- We had to chop up the piano for firewood, but we only got two cords.

-- When we milked the cows, we got ice cream. When we milked the brown cows, we got chocolate ice cream.

-- We can't clean the house until it defrosts.

-- Golfers are still golfing, but now they're wearing gloves on both hands.

-- We need defrosters just to have a good cry.

-- Flashers just describe what they look like naked.

-- We're wearing so many layers of clothing, that if we fall down, we have to wait until somebody finds us and can roll us home.

-- Animal control is having to send out emergency teams to rescue dogs stuck to fire hydrants.

-- When you turn on the shower, you get sleet.

-- We had lunch down at the Greasy Spoon, just for the heartburn.

-- Table settings now include knife, fork, shovel, saw ...

-- Your shadow freezes to the ground, then snaps off when you take another step.

-- Instead of yelling "Freeze," cops just yell, "Go outside."

-- When you bake a cake, you set it outside for two minutes, and then it's frosted.

-- Your car won't run, but your nose won't stop.

-- The anticipation of waiting for the ketchup to come out of the bottle lasts three months.

-- Cats sit across the room to look out the window.

-- The heating bill is four times higher than the mortgage payment.

-- Healthy people are kissing flu sufferers, hoping for a fever.

-- Kids have to start dressing at 8 a.m. to go out to play by noon.

-- Men are using Tabasco as aftershave lotion, just to get some feeling in their face.

-- Shoes have to be bought six sizes bigger to allow for the extra socks.

-- We're starting to think that maybe hell is actually freezing over.

Super Bowl classic

A young man is very excited because he has won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessens as he realizes his seat is in the back of the stadium. As he searches the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he sees an empty one right next to the field. He approaches the man sitting next to the empty seat and asks if it's taken. The man tells him it's not.

Amazed, the young man asks, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"

The older gentleman responds, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married, but she has passed away."

"Oh, how sad," the younger man says. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"

"No," the man says, "they're all at her funeral."

First things first

A young guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey, bartender, pour me a cold one."

The bartender says, "Go on, kid. You wanna get me in trouble?"

The kid says, "Maybe later. Right now, I just want a beer."

Not so fast

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17."

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand."

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters."

Numbers up

Little Johnny and Little Mary were talking one day. Little Mary asked, "What is the highest number you have ever counted up to?"

"I counted up to 1,279 once," Johnny answered.

"Wow! Really? Why did you stop at 1,279?" Mary asked.

"Because church was over."

Just a blur

Did you hear about the snail that got beat up by two turtles?

At the police station, they asked him, "Did you get a good look at the turtles that did this to you?"

The snail said, "No, it all happened so fast."

Case in point

Two friends are talking, and one says to the other, "I am so tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about."

The other friend asks, "What do you mean?"

Confession time

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'Yes, go on,' and 'I understand. How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, and the old priest says, "Now don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee, laughing, and saying 'Wow! What happened next?'"

One to sniff at

A riddle for sneezin' season ...

Q: What's the most musical part of your body?

A: Your nose. You can pick it, and you can blow it!

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.