Chattanooga Now Punchlines

Chattanooga Now Punchlines

December 27th, 2017 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

Best one-liners

Let's ring out 2017 with a look back at Scotland's Edinburgh Fringe Festival, held in August. One of the comedy features is "Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe," in which the public decides the funniest one-liner from a judges' shortlist. Here are this year's Top 15 vote-getters, as reported by Esquire.

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change." — Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book." — Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" — Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl-next-door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her." — Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella.' But he hesitated." — Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant." — Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it" — Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house." — Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine." — Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences,' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' — Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event." — Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer." — Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it." — Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the ark." — Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act." — Tim Vine


New Year's Eve cocktail

» "Always keep a bottle of champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of champagne in the fridge." — Hester Browne

» What did the grape say when it was stepped on?

Nothing. It just let out a little whine.

» Pessimist: "My glass is half empty."

Lisa Denton

Lisa Denton

Photo by Contributed Photo /Times Free Press.

Optimist: "My glass is half full."

Realist: "My glass needs a refill."

» The secret of enjoying a good wine:

1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.

2. If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

» Painted on a wine glass: Let's get ready to stumble.

» When the waiter asks you to try the wine at the table, sniff it, swirl it, sniff it, savor it and then say, "Yep, that should get me hammered!"

» A husband and wife are sitting at home, quietly sipping wine, when the wife says, "I love you."

The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

The wife says, "That's me ... talking to the wine."


Current events


» There was an 11-hour power outage at the airport in Atlanta yesterday [Dec. 17]. And people were stranded on the tarmac for six hours. Don't worry, though. Flight attendants came through every hour with a thimble-size cup of room temperature water. — Jimmy Fallon

» Hundreds of flights were canceled today at the world's busiest airport in Atlanta due to a massive power outage yesterday. Experts are saying this could lead to as many as 30 texts from your mother. — Seth Meyers

» A couple in Tennessee recently gave birth to a baby from an embryo that was frozen 24 years ago. Which explains why its first word was "Wazzzzzupppppp!" — Seth Meyers


Bible quiz

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A: Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A: Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?

A: Ruth-less.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. The apostles were all in one Accord. And 2 Corinthians 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A: Samson. He brought the house down.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

Late Night Laughs

Around the White House

The Trump administration has banned the CDC from using seven words in official documents for next year’s budget. The seven words are “Hillary Clinton actually won the popular vote.” — Seth Meyers

The Trump administration has banned the CDC from using a list of seven words … vulnerable, entitlement, diversity, transgender, fetus, evidence-based and science-based. And then Mike Pence added his seven bad words, “Gosh, darn, nuts, heck, shoot, shucks” and the c-word, which is just “Crud.” — Seth Meyers

Disney’s Hall of Presidents just added a Donald Trump robot. He’s really making an impact at Disney. Today, he deported Aladdin, and he gave Scrooge McDuck a tax break. — Jimmy Fallon

Yeah, they added Trump to the Hall of Presidents. You can tell it’s Trump’s robot, cuz Putin’s backstage controlling it. — Jimmy Fallon

The House passed the GOP tax bill. Yep, the Senate will follow, and Trump is expected to sign it into law this week. Which will get awkward when Trump says, “I’m busy — have my robot do it.” — Jimmy Fallon

President Trump had a very good day. He’s very proud — Republicans finally passed his tax bill, which means Trump’s about to sign his first major piece of legislation. Yep, his chest was puffed out so far his tie was actually at a normal length. “Wow! It’s actually at my waist!” — Jimmy Fallon

I read that a majority of Americans would end up paying more in taxes by the year 2027. Trump said its payback for the majority of Americans who voted for Hillary Clinton. — Jimmy Fallon

Yeah, a lot of people are upset. In fact, I read that a woman took her top off in the House while protesting the vote. Security escorted her out, while Trump said, “Let’s hear what she has to say!” — Jimmy Fallon

The House passed a Republican tax bill today, which was great news for everyone from the super wealthy all the way down to the that’s it. — Seth Meyers

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said that the tax plan is “an all-out looting of America, a wholesale robbery of the middle class.” Which incidentally, is also the slogan for Whole Foods. — Jimmy Fallon


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