Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

April 25th, 2013 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 questions on the dog IQ test:

10. Did you eat the dishtowel?

9. If a car is moving at 30 mph and you chase it at 15 mph, how soon will you catch it?

8. Sit.

7. What is it, boy, trouble at the mill?

6. Kibbles, bits or none of the above?

5. Paw?

4. Conjugate "woof."

3. Who's a good doggie?

2. Summarize the advantage of licking yourself.

1. Can you parallel-park a car? (video of dog driving a car).

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Tweeking

A colleague reports: I heard the other day the pollen's so bad this year, the addicts are trying to turn their meth back into Sudafed.

Tech-savvy

You know you have too much personal technology when:

• You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

• You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

• You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

• You email the person who works at the desk next to you.

• Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have email addresses.

• You pull up in your own driveway and use your cellphone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

• Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

• Leaving the house without your cellphone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.

• You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

• You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

Newspaper headlines

Whatever the topic, there's likely a newspaper headline with an ironic, perhaps moronic, sense of wordplay. Some examples:

Health and Medicine

• "Miracle cure kills fifth patient"

• "Study shows frequent sex enhances pregnancy chances"

• "Starvation can lead to health hazards"

• "Hospitals resort to hiring doctors"

Sports

• "Rangers get whiff of Colon"

Astronomy

• "Total lunar eclipse will be broadcast live on Northwoods Public Radio"

Fashion

• "The bra celebrates a pair of historic milestones this year"

Civics

• "Rally against apathy draws small crowd"

• "Meeting on open meetings is closed"

• "City unsure why the sewer smells"

• "County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds"

Courts and Crime

• "Police arrest everyone on February 22nd"

• "Man with 8 DUIs blames drinking problem"

• "Homicide victims rarely talk to police"

• "Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons"

• "Man accused of killing lawyer receives a new attorney"

Education

• "Parents keep kids home to protest school closure"

Jobs

• "New sick policy requires 2-day notice"

Entertainment

• "Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf"

Business

• "Meat head resigns"

News

• "Caskets found as workers demolish museum; 'We had no idea anyone was buried there' "

• "Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800-pound ball on his head"

Military

• "Army vehicle disappears" (after being painted with camouflage)

Pageants

• "Puerto Rican teen named mistress of the universe"

Lousy husband

• I went shopping with the wife yesterday to get some clothes for our vacation. She said, "I would like to see a bikini that fits me." I said, "Me, too."

• In the 18 years we have been married, my wife has had a boob job, a nose job, dyed her hair and gotten a facelift. Yet whenever we argue, she tells me, "You're not the man I married."

• Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concerts.

• My wife said she wanted to be reincarnated as a whale. I said, "What? Again?"

• My wife said to me, "If I died tomorrow, when would you start seeing other women?" I said, "Er, about three years ago."

Mad skills

A mad scientist is so busy, he doesn't know what to do. He can't hire extra help because he's so eccentric no one will work with him. Finally, he decides that the only solution is to clone himself.

The cloning goes well, except for one problem. The clone has a very foul mouth. The clone is quite a help to the scientist, but he goes around town swearing at people -- and everyone thinks it's the scientist who's acting so rudely.

Eventually, the scientist realizes that to save his reputation, he must do away with the clone. So he lures him to the top of the tallest building in town. His plan is to push him off but make it look like an accident.

When the scientist gives the clone a push to knock him over the edge, the clone stumbles and staggers but doesn't fall. Then the two begin to struggle. Below, several onlookers can see the two struggle as they roll around the edge of the roof. Someone calls the police.

When the police come, they arrest the scientist. The charge: Trying to make an obscene clone fall.

Standing strong

Stephen Colbert on the Boston Marathon bombing (from http://politicalhumor.about.com):

"Whoever did this obviously did not know (expletive) about the people of Boston. Because nothing these terrorists do is going to shake them. For Pete's sake, Boston was founded by the pilgrims -- a people so tough they had to buckle their ... hats on.

"It is the cradle of the American revolution. A city that withstood an 86-year losing streak. A city that made it through the Big Dig, a construction project that backed up traffic for 16 years -- I mean, there are commuters just getting home now.

"Even their bands are tough. It's the hometown of Aerosmith, who are, in their fifth decade, still going strong. Even Steven Tyler looks fantastic, for a 73-year-old woman.

"But here is what these cowards really don't get. They attacked the Boston Marathon. An event celebrating people who run 26 miles on their day off until their nipples are raw -- for fun. And they have been holding it in Boston since 1897. And do you know how tough you have to be to run in a whalebone corset? And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood.

"So here's what I know. These maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do is show just how good those people are."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.