Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

August 15th, 2013 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 signs you have a bad summer job:

• 10. Each day begins with the North Korean pledge of allegiance.

• 9. You spend 10 hours a day digging for Jimmy Hoffa.

• 8. They make you share a whistle.

• 7. Sign in restroom reads "Employees Must Wash Each Other."

• 6. Your parents lie and tell people you're a stripper.

• 5. A big part of your day involves dodging Federales.

• 4. Even the interns address you with "Out of the way, loser!"

• 3. To go home at the end of the day, you have to escape.

• 2. You work alongside this guy (videotape of the Chinese baggage handler).

• 1. You greet people with, "Welcome aboard Carnival Cruise Lines."

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Mosquito quiz

Q: How do you know if you have a really tough mosquito?

A: When you slap it, it slaps you back.

Q: What's the difference between mosquitoes this year and mosquitoes last year?

A: Last year's mosquitoes went "buzz ... buzz." This year's mosquitoes go "flap ... flap."

Sweet nothings

At a jewelry store, a young man buys an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.

"Do you want her name engraved on it?" the jeweler asks.

The young man thinks this over. "No, not her name," he finally answers. "Engrave it: 'To my one and only love.' That way, if we break up, I can use it again."

Outta here

A teacher announces to the class, "Whoever answers the next question correctly can go home."

Just then, a boy throws his book out the window.

Turning toward the noise, the teacher says, "Who threw that?"

The boy says, "I did. See ya."

Presidential wit

Sunday, according to politicalhumor.about.com, was Presidential Joke Day, which is celebrated every year on Aug. 11. Rather than a day to make wisecracks about the president, it's a day to salute presidents with a sense of humor.

It was created on Aug. 11, 1984, by President Ronald Reagan during a soundcheck before a Saturday radio broadcast. Unaware that the feed was live, he joked, "My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to announce that I've signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes."

Here are some other favorites from the website.

President Obama:

• "Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is actually Swahili for 'That One.' And I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn't think I'd ever run for president." (at the 2008 Al Smith Dinner)

• "If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness, it's possible that I'm a little too awesome." (at the 2008 Al Smith Dinner)

• "Now I even let down my key core constituency: movie stars. Just the other day, Matt Damon -- I love Matt Damon, love the guy -- Matt Damon said he was disappointed in my performance. Well, Matt, I just saw 'The Adjustment Bureau,' so right back at you, buddy." (at the 2011 White House Correspondents' Dinner)

• "What a week. As some of you heard the state of Hawaii released my official long-form birth certificate. Hopefully, this puts all doubts to rest. But just in case there are any lingering questions, tonight I'm prepared to go a step further. Tonight, for the first time, I am releasing my official birth video." [The screens plays the scene from Disney's "The Lion King" when Mufasa, atop a cliff, lifts Simba up as the other animals in the savannah look on]. (at the 2011 White House Correspondents' Dinner)

• "These days, I look in the mirror and I have to admit, I'm not the strapping young Muslim socialist that I used to be." (at the 2013 White House Correspondents' Dinner)

George W. Bush:

• "Thank you for your email. This Internet of yours is a wonderful invention." (to Al Gore during the 2000 presidential campaign

• "This is an impressive crowd: the haves and the have-mores. Some people call you the elite, I call you my base." (at the 2000 Al Smith Dinner)

• "These stories about my intellectual capacity really get under my skin. You know, for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, 'Intelligence Briefing.' " (at the 2001 Radio-TV Correspondents' Dinner)

Bill Clinton:

• "Being president is like running a cemetery: You've got a lot of people under you, and nobody's listening."

George H.W. Bush:

• "For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ...uh ...setbacks."

Ronald Reagan:

• "What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?" (on Clint Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel)

• "Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his."

• "I hope you're all Republicans." (speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following a 1981 assassination attempt)

• "I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience." (during a 1984 presidential debate with Walter Mondale

• "I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency -- even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting."

• "Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying."

Jimmy Carter:

• "My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers."

Gerald Ford:

• "I was America's first instant vice president -- and now, America's first instant president. The Marine Corps Band is so confused, they don't know whether to play 'Hail to the Chief' or 'You've Come a Long Way, Baby.' "

Lyndon Johnson:

• "Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There's nothing to do but to stand there and take it."

• "If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: 'President Can't Swim.'"

John Kennedy:

• "It was absolutely involuntary. They sank my boat." (answering a little boy on how he became a war hero)

• "Just think what my margin might have been if I had never left home at all." (on how he had campaigned hard in Alaska and lost but won Hawaii handily without visiting it)

• "I just received the following wire from my generous Daddy: 'Dear Jack, Don't buy a single vote more than is necessary. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide.' "

Franklin D. Roosevelt:

• "A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward."

Teddy Roosevelt:

• "I am only an average man but, by George, I work harder at it than the average man."

• "Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, 'Certainly, I can!' Then get busy and find out how to do it."

• "When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'present' or 'not guilty.' "

Abraham Lincoln:

• "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.