Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

January 24th, 2013 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 signs you have an imaginary girlfriend:

10. You describe her to friends as "a nondescript female with eyes and hair."

9. "Photo" of girlfriend looks suspiciously like SunMaid raisin lady.

8. You keep referring to her in the first person.

7. Have a patent pending for a machine that gives you a hickey.

6. Someone says, "Tell me about your girlfriend," you say, "Hmm ... let me think of something."

5. Your imaginary friend is dating her sister.

4. Everyone can tell you're arguing on the phone with Siri.

3. She's never upset when you forget her imaginary birthday.

2. Always pressuring you to pretend to buy engagement ring.

1. Said she's too shy to meet your friends, your family and you.

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Lettuce chuckle

A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.

"That looks nasty," says the doctor.

"Nasty?" says the man. "This is just the tip of the iceberg."

Slow on the uptake

"How did it happen?" the doctor asks the middle-aged farmhand as he sets the man's broken leg.

"Well, Doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past," the doctor says. "Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying ... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

"I said, 'No, everything is fine.'

"She said, 'Are you sure? Isn't there anything I can do for you?'

"I said, 'No, I reckon not.' "

"Excuse me," says the doctor. "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," he explains, "it dawned on me what she meant, and I fell off the roof."

Reconsidering

A man is explaining to his best friend why he is unhappy in his marriage.

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me," he says. "She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.

"She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

The friend says, "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically."

The man says, "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, I don't think she's good enough for me."

Fish tale

A boy who'd been fishing with his dad burst into the house, crying his eyes out. His mom rushes to him and asks what the problem is.

He says, "Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line broke and the fish got away."

"Now come on, Bobby," his mother says. "A big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed."

"That's what I did," Bobby says. "You go tell that to Daddy."

Quickies

Q: Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?

A: Because it's a little meteor.

Q: What did 0 say to 8?

A: "Nice belt."

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

A: He sold his soul to Santa.

Points to ponder

• If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

• If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

• If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

• When a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?

• Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through teller machines?

• How did a fool and his money get together?

• If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?

• How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

• What's another word for thesaurus?

• Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

• What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

• Why is abbreviation such a long word?

• Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

• How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

• If you were to choke a Smurf, what color would it turn?

• Does fuzzy logic tickle?

• Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

• Do they have reserved parking for nonhandicapped people at the Special Olympics?

• Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

• Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

• If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

• What was the best thing before sliced bread?

• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

• Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

• Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

• Is it possible to be totally partial?

• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

• If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

• When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

• Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

• Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

• Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

• Why do people sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" when they're already there?

• Why do people say "tuna fish" but not "beef mammal" or "chicken bird"?

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.