Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

July 4th, 2013 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 reasons I love being in the U.S. Army:

10. You haven't lived until you've eaten rehydrated beef brisket.

9. Get to visit exotic places, like Trenton, N.J.

8. No can opener? Just run over the can with a tank.

7. Sir, you're never unsure how to begin and end a sentence, Sir.

6. Cutting-edge technology, like our machine that controls the weather.

5. I really, really, really enjoy pushups.

4. In an Apache helicopter, you tend to have the right-of-way.

3. Always have an answer when someone says, "You and whose army?"

2. Camouflage brings out my eyes.

1. Working among the most talented men and women this country has to offer - and the free haircuts.

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Flags explained

A visitor from Holland chatting with his American friend was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," the man said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars too."

Dead aim

The general had barely arrived in the forward area when a sniper's bullet removed a button from his shirt.

He threw himself to the ground in terror. The men stood around with the greatest unconcern. The general yelled at a passing sergeant, "Hey, isn't somebody going to kill that sniper?"

The sergeant replied, "I guess not, General. We're scared that if we kill him the enemy will replace him with somebody who really knows how to shoot."

Measure up

An engineer, a mathematician and a physicist were standing around the university flagpole when an English professor wandered by.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"We need to know the height of the flagpole," said one, "and we're discussing the formulas we might use to calculate it."

"Watch," said the English professor.

He pulled the pole from its fitting, laid it on the grass, borrowed a tape measure and said, "Exactly 24 feet."

Then he replaced the pole and walked away.

"English professor!" sneered the mathematician. "We ask him for the height, and he gives us the length."

Excuses, excuses

The general went out to find that none of his GIs were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain. You see, I had a date, and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it. I hailed a cab, but it broke down. I found a farm and bought a horse, but it dropped dead. I ran the last 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The general was very skeptical about this explanation, but he let the GI go. Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting. He asked them why they were late.

Eight more times, he heard versions of the first GI's excuse: "Sorry, sir! I had a date, and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it. I hailed a cab, but it broke down. I found a farm and bought a horse, but it dropped dead. I ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The general eyed them, feeling very skeptical. But since he had let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

A 10th GI jogged up to the general, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it. I hailed a cab but ..."

"Let me guess," the general interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Twin recruits

The chief of staff of the U.S. Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in recruiting and directed a nearby Air Force base to be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man said, "I'm a pilot!"

The general got all excited, turned to his aide and said, "Get him in today, all the paperwork done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustled the young man off. The general looked at the second young man and asked, "What skills do you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man said, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replied, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force. What else do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffed the general, "you are not listening to me. We don't need wood choppers. This is the 21st century!"

"Well," the young man said, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general. "He's a pilot!"

The young man rolled his eyes and said, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

Bragging rights

Two men were boasting to each other about their old Army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first.

"Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

Quickies

Teacher: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?"

Student: On the bottom!

Q: What did one flag say to the other flag?

A: Nothing. It just waved.

Q: Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?

A: Because the horse was too heavy to carry.

Q: Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?

A: Yeah, it cracked me up.

Q: What did King George think of the American colonists?

A: He thought they were revolting.

Q: Do they have a 4th of July in England?

A: Yes. That's how they get from the 3rd to the 5th.

Against the odds

Teacher: More than 200 years ago, our forefathers defeated the British in the Revolutionary War.

Johnny: Wow! They must have been pretty strong, four men defeating a whole army.

Kapow

Joe: My brother swallowed a box of firecrackers.

Moe: Is he all right now?

Joe: I don't know. I haven't heard the last report.

Patriot wear

Q: What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party?

A: Tea-shirts.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.