For parents of children of any age, small breaks make a big difference. For parents of infants or preschoolers, small escapes can save your sanity and strengthen your marriage.
Small escapes are those moments when you can safely shift your attention to something other than your children. They are respites that give you a mental and an emotional boost.
I stayed home with my first child until she was 5, then had to return to full-time work when my second was 2 1/2. In both cases, I rarely had breaks. With the clarity of hindsight, I know my parenting suffered as a result.
Back then, I was frequently advised to nap when my baby napped. In reality, most at-home moms find it hard to nap during the day. That's our time to catch up on stuff we can't do when our children are awake. Sure enough, by the time Dad gets home, we're desperate.
Unfortunately, when Dad gets home he's worn out, too. Here's where honesty, respectful negotiation and compassion are crucial for both spouses. Here's where young parents work out, or fail to work out, the kind of mutual support they're willing to give each other. Today, I believe that how young couples address this stage of their parenting has a tremendous impact on their future relationship.
Unfortunately, most parents learn this the hard way -- usually with the first child. Since I had no family, my husband's family was my only free option for respites.
Although I sometimes asked for help from his siblings, they didn't understand that a 30-minute break barely gave me time to do anything. Without children themselves, they also didn't realize how carefully toddlers must be watched. Although my mother-in-law was good with the children once they were 4 or so, she didn't enjoy infants and toddlers. To make things worse, his family didn't have a shared culture of helping each other out.
Precarious finances didn't allow us to hire baby sitters very often, so parenting was solely my wonderful and sometimes overwhelming job. To make matters worse, my negotiating skills were mediocre and my husband's were non-existent. Since he hadn't seen this kind of supportive behavior growing up, he didn't consider it part of his job as an adult.
My advice to new parents is to be brave and be honest. Have the courage to talk about what's hard for you. Parenting is profound and profoundly joyful. It's also exhausting, frustrating and tedious. Like almost everything else in life, it has a good side and a bad side.
Don't fall into the trap of pretending it's all good, and don't fall into the trap of dwelling on the negatives.
Work together to find ways for each of you to take a break. I'm not talking about Date Night, which is something I wish every couple was required to have at least twice a month. I'm talking about daily, small breaks.
Even a little time to yourself can be a sanity-saver for each parent. After a long day with the kids, more than one mother lives for the hour her husband takes over and she gets to soak in the tub and read a good book. In one of the most brilliant arrangements I've heard about, the father who took over for that hour or so got to take one weekend a month and go fishing in exchange. The buddy time or solo fishing time he bought with all those hours his wife was in the tub gave him what he needed, too.
If you can't get help from your spouse, or if you're raising kids on your own due to divorce, single parenthood, being widowed or being a military spouse, try as hard as you can to build small breaks into your day.
Don't hesitate to ask for help if you have someone you trust. Yes, parenting is the most wonderful job in the world. It's also the hardest.
Write to Jennifer Hansen at Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, P.O. Box 7, Springdale, AR 72765. E-mail her at jhansen@arkansasonline.com