Mark KennedyMy two sons and I were watching ESPN's SportsCenter the other day, and I noticed that the network seems to be devoting more and more coverage to, shall we say, emerging sports.
On Monday morning, ESPN was showing highlights of the Summer Slam, a professional wrestling extravaganza at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, N.Y., which featured celebrity Jon Stewart jumping into the ring and pummeling wrestler John Cena with a folding chair. Actually, professional wrestling is career advancement for Stewart, who was previously a political commentator.
Next came a segment on League of Legends North American Championship, a video game competition that sold out Madison Square Garden in New York last weekend. People are paying good money to watch nerds play video games, while the fans hoot and holler and bang together those inflatable Bam-Bam sticks.
Still, it was a third "alternative sport" featured on ESPN that really caught my attention. It's called the "Beer Mile," and it involves serious distance runners chugging a can of beer at quarter-mile intervals while running a mile. Beer, apparently, is the great equalizer. Former cycler Lance Armstrong reportedly tried the event, but dropped out after one lap. Lightweight.
The world record in the sport, which originated in Canada, is under five minutes; the world championships of the "Beer Mile" were held earlier this month in San Francisco.
I have a bright idea. Everybody seems to hoping that Chattanooga will claim a niche in the sports world. Some says it's soccer; others have suggested X-Games. Here's a thought: How about we blaze a new trail? How about we become Chugganooga, home of new-wave drinking sports?
Look, I don't advocate heavy drinking. But the way I see at it, a portion of the adult population is always going to drink alcohol. Heck, Chattanooga already has downtown festivals devoted to wine and beer. If we can get imbibers off our roads and keep them occupied by combining two of their hobbies, so much the better.
I have even come up with proposed slate of 10 events that combine drinking and sports (for the record, this is a joke):
' Tequila Triathlon. Instead of normal hydration stations, have mandatory stops for tequila shots during each leg of the competition. A variant of this event for beer enthusiasts could be called the Scenic City Beer Ironman.
' Pina Colada Regatta. We have the Head of the Hooch rowing race which, come to think of it, already sounds like a drinking game. Why not have an adults-only boat race with mandatory pre-race rum drinks?
' Kamikaze Hang- Gliding. I believe that a round of Kamikazes - a cocktail made from vodka, triple sec and lime juice - would encourage more people to try hang-gliding. In Kamikaze Hang-Gliding, extra points would be awarded for jumping off Lookout Mountain and landing on a houseboat in the Tennessee River.
' Jack and Field. This would combine traditional track and field events with modest portions of Tennessee's iconic Jack Daniels sipping whiskey. Events will include the double-shotput and whiskey discus.
' Hard Liquor Handball. Use your imagination as to how this would play out.
' Stomach Pump Stump Jump. For those who like to indulge the night before a race, this would cleanse the gut before the event.
' Keg of Bud Mud Run. Again, combining the Southern male affinity for mudding and beer - minus the four-wheel- drive vehicles - might be a good thing.
' Michelob Ultra Marathon. Longer distances call for a lighter brew.
' Sir Gimlet Golf. Combines cocktails and putt-putt.
' Sex on the Beach Volleyball. Combines vodka, peach schnapps and volleyball and gives new meaning to the term "spiking."
Now for something completely different.
Last week in this space, we explored the moral dilemma my two sons are having about euthanizing bugs for a science project. In response, I got this delightful letter from a reader, Marcia Swearingen, of Hixson.
"A similar assignment changed the whole course of my life.
"When I was 15, my biology teacher assigned a similar project. We had a whole semester to collect 50 bugs, classify and mount them with pins on a board for a major part of our semester grade.
"She strongly urged that we not procrastinate. She also provided detailed instructions on the method of execution: Cotton ball with chloroform in a prescription bottle. It took forever and the insects curled up in a fetal position which made mounting difficult.
"I decided they needed to die quickly. So I plunged them one at a time into boiling water. They came out like action figures: Think cryogenic Han Solo, but with heat. I cranked those babies out in no time, so I was free to accept a date from a young man in my Sunday School class the weekend before the project was due.
"He (Jim) went to a private boys school and had to have a date for a function. All the available girls went to the public school and were out collecting bugs.
"Forty-four years later we were on a cruise celebrating his retirement and our anniversary (when I asked): 'Just how far down was I on that list of girls who turned you down?'
" 'My dear,' he replied, 'you weren't even on the list.'"
Thanks, Marcia. Your story made my day.
Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6645. Follow him on Twitter @TFPCOLUMNIST. Subscribe to his Facebook updates at www.facebook.com/mkennedycolumnist.