There was sad news last week in the world of animal breeding. Toystory, the bull that set the world record for producing offspring, died.
The Wall Street Journal did a fascinating front-page story on this randy beast: "Rare is the bull with the genes and testicular fortitude to sell a million units of semen."
In the cutting-edge world of cow insemination and reproduction, Toystory was a legend. He sired offspring in 50 countries. He was the Bill Clinton of international bovine relations.
My first reaction to the news was that the hulking Holstein had been shot to death by a jealous rival bull, but no. He was bred for years, earning tens of millions of dollars for his owners. These days, bulls put to stud yield more than Treasury bonds in our high-tech farming business.
He lived a productive life, fathering an estimated half-million offspring. I would imagine he is in line for posthumous induction into the NBA Hall of Fame.
The Wall Street Journal got folks to opine on the late Toystory. "It is very possible that no other bull will ever surpass his record," said Keith Heikes, chief operating officer of Genex, which owned the stud. One veterinarian called Toystory "meaner than a snake," and most people feared him.
"The old adage was that, as long as he was interested in sex, he was not interested in you" (which, I believe, is also the slogan at Tinder), said Glen Gilbert, vice president for production at Genex.
Toystory produced sperm about nine times a week, about twice that of other bulls and about on par with Charlie Sheen.
When Toystory came around, he meant business. My guess is he was a male on a mission, and probably not much of a cuddler afterward.
The good folks at Genex arranged the cow liaisons for Toystory. They got their training from being Arkansas state troopers in the early 1990s.
I would encourage the Southeastern Conference football commissioner to look into the brave new world of breeding technology and then put Archie Manning and Hershel Walker out to stud. This might ensure that there is not another College Bowl Championship game without an SEC team.
Being a diligent journalist, I researched Toystory. The farm animal semen business is shockingly large. It has had billions in revenue and is on the rise. Farmers use liquid nitrogen to preserve 1/20th of a teaspoon of bull semen for shipment around the world.
Much has been made of the high-tech boom in America, but few realize the amazing innovation and productivity of farming.
Quality bull seed is valuable. Last year, thieves absconded with $350 worth of bull semen in a brazen theft from a Wisconsin farm.
The high-stakes farming industry requires the pursuit of better genetics so cows are more productive, and competition to raise quality beef has sparked innovation. The London Guardian did a story about French farmers letting their cows drink a gallon of Burgundy each day to make them produce more tender beef. It didn't work. The only things these cows would do after the red wine was to end up drunk, texting Toystory and asking "'Sup, Player?"
In a memorial to his prowess, Toystory was laid to rest on the Genex farms. It was quite a funeral, with an open casket. It probably had to be.
Ron Hart is a syndicated op-ed humorist. Reach him at Ron@RonaldHart.com.