NAVARRE, FLA. -- How does time move faster at the beach? Forget the theory of relativity -- either you're related or you're not, it's not that complicated -- someone needs to get Einstein on how beach time moves more quickly. Oh yeah, Einstein is dead. What about Ben Stein? Or even that guy that Scott Bakula played in "Quantum Leap." That show was real right?
Anyhoo, where were we? Oh yes, time flying.
Well, this weekend at The Olympic Club, the first 15 holes will fly -- relatively speaking of course -- until the field hits No. 16. That's the 670-yard monster par-5 16th. You know the one that Godzilla-long Bubba Watson -- the Masters champ who hit a 52-degree wedge roughly 170 yards in the air to win the green jacket -- says is impossible to reach in two, even with driver-driver. The one that Phil Mickelson -- golf's swashbuckling daredevil who has never met a challenge he couldn't eagle or double-bogey at the drop of a visor -- said was the toughest hole on the course. (And Mickelson admits par 5s are tough as often as women say other women are pretty; it happens so rarely that the praise/condemnation magnifies the truth.)
But here's the thing guys... This is not the Kemper Open or the Barclay's. This is the US Open. Suck it up and find the fairway. Go make that 12-footer for bogey to salvage the day. Don't start handing us predetermined excuses. Major championships are not filled with 495-yard par 5s.
Here's the 5-at-10's unofficial guide to golf's major championships:
You have to win the Masters with birdies on the back nine (especially the par 5s).
You have to survive the course at US Open because the USGA has a Norman Bates-Mommy thing with par, and itt's going to be extreme magnified this weekend after what Rory McIlroy did to Congressional last year.
You have to survive the conditions and the mental strain of the British Open, where one 18-hole round can be filled with rain gear, sun screen and a windbreaker, not to mention the 320- or 150-yard shots with a 4-iron depending on how the wind is blowing.
You have to get hot at the right time to win the PGA.
There you go. No where on that list though is bellyaching about a par-5 after Wednesday's practice round.
(Side note: According to Yahoo. com The 16th at The Olympic Club is not among the top 5 of longest golf holes in the world. The beast of all beasts is the 12th at the Meadow Farms Golf Course in Locust Grove, Va., that measures at a tidy 841 yards and plays as a par-6. Yes, Spy, a par-6. Carl Spangler holed out with an 8-iron, though.)
Around the sports dial:
-- Not since the nation's worst war criminal -- one General William T. Sherman -- came blazing through has a group of Yankees done more damage in Atlanta. New York swept the three-game set with a 3-2 win Wednesday.
-- We still like the feel of the Heatl tonight. Maybe we're blinded by our want (copyright to Les Miles) for LeBron to shut everyone up. Maybe we are not giving Durant's Thunder enough credit. We'll see.
-- Giants righty Matt Cain threw a perfect game last night. Few things in sports build on themselves like a no-hitter -- the drama, the silence around the pitcher, the unspoken Beetlejuice superstition of no mentioning the no-no -- and a perfect game is a no-hitter on steroids (copyright Lance Armstrong). And to watch big leaguers become invested in something bigger than the moment is cool. Side note: Dustin Johnson and Cain hit balls into McCovey Cove before the game and Rory McIlroy threw out the first pitch. Could be good luck (copyright Leprechauns). We'll see.
-- The commissioners of the BCS conferences met this week and washed their hands (copyright Pontius Pilate) of the decision to decide college football's champion. They support a four-team playoff but have pushed the decision to the school presidents and left them with a lot of "options" (copyright Worldwide Group of Pansies). The decision will be made when said presidents meet in D.C. on June 26. (Side note: Not like it matters since a) it will be some sort of four-team deal that will be obslete even before it occurs in 2014 and the roars for an eight-team bracket will start June 27, and b) the SEC is going to win it anyway. More they change, the more they stay the same (copyright Cliches-R-Us).
-- US Open Contest entries:
addictedtochalupa -- Dustin Johnson, Lee Westwood, Brandt Snedeker, Matt Kuchar, Rickie Fowler
Todd962 -- Luke Donald, Jason Dufner, Steve Stricker, Rory McIlroy, and Tiger Woods
BiSpy -- Rory, Donald, Westwood, Kuchar, Stricker,
StuckinKent -- Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Zach Johnson, Matt Kuchar, Lee Westwood
McPell -- Bubba Watson, Zach Johnson, Mickelson, Dufner, Westwood.
5-at-10 -- Tiger, Jason Dufner, Matt Kuchar, Luke Donald,
Mrs. 5-at-10 -- Rory, Zach Johnson, Kuchar, Dufner, Mickelson
Fred -- Tiger, Donald, Westwood, Kuchar, McIlroy
Dawg747 -- Davis Love III, Jason Dufner, Matt Kuchar, Phil Mickelson, Bubba Watson
TFP golf ace David Uchiyama -- Tiger Woods, Bubba Watson, Luke Donald, Jason Dufner, Matt Kuchar
TFP UT ace Downtown Patrick Brown -- bubba, dustin johnson (cause he won in Memphis last weekend), rory, westwood, louis oostehoeieuuoeizen
Sportsfan (who obviously is related to Sergio Garcia) -- Rory McIlroy, Justin Rose, Adam Scott, Jason Day, and Sergio Garcia
BlueOval -- Z Johnson, Dufner, B Watson, Mickleson, Kuchar
wc777 -- Tiger Woods, Jason Dufner, Lee Westwood, Luke Donald, Hunter Mahan
abankston (welcome to the show and nice going at the tournment this week) -- Dufner, Zach Johnson, Jason Day, Luke Donald, and Rickie Fowler
OTWatcher -- Woods, Mickelson, Donald, Kuchar, Westwood
ThatIDoKnow -- Stricker, Dufner, Kuchar, Z. Johnson, Donald
Fred -- Tiger, Dufner, Westwood, Byrd, Bubba
Jefe -- Woods, (The man you know better as Joe the Policeman from the 'What's Going Down' episode of "That's My Mama") Mr. Randy "Bubba" Watson, Westwood, Watney and (W)Dufner
33wannabe -- Bohn, Mahan, Donald, A. Scott, Woods
Weena -- Donald, Woods, Furyk, Dufner, Kuchar
Side note: As much excitement as the U.S has for the Mickelson-Woods-Watson group, don't you know that the Asian press is ga-ga over the Choi-Yang-Kim pairing. Giddy-up...Bonzai.
There are a few more in our email. We'll have the final list around lunch.
Today's top five
We have not made a secret of our excitement about Dallas 2.0, which premiered on TNT last night (It's DVRed in Chattanooga, so not a word, folks). It got us thinking about TV's most iconic characters.
A lot goes into being an iconic character. There were well-written shows like President Bartlett on "West Wing," but that's hardly the only thing you think of when you see Martin Sheen. It has to be more than instant connection between actor and role too, because then Samuel "Screech" Powers and Dustin Diamond would make the list. (And no we did not need to Google his name, nor are we going to discuss Screech's acting choices as an "adult." Zip it Mr. 962. Don't cross the line.) We also eliminated anyone playing themselves because that could be the entire list (Lucy, Mary Tyler Moore, Johnny, Ed Sullivan, Seinfeld, Carol Burnett, etc.). We also left off the kids because it would be easy to have an entire kids list, too.
There's a lot that goes into being an iconic role, some of it is definable, some of it is not.
Here's our list of five:
1) Archie Bunker -- Dude got away with stuff in the 70s that would never see the light of day now. Maybe the finest aging show of all time. Slap hilarious still today.
2) Tony Soprano -- Stud.
3) Hawkeye Pierce -- Set men back at least a decade with all his blubbering and introspection but still the central piece of one of TV's best.
4) The Fonz -- Other than liver, there was little he couldn't dude
5) Heathcliff Huxtable -- He edged Homer Simpson and J.R. Ewing because Dr. Huxtable whether he realized it or not was the TV version of Jackie Robinson. The Cosby Show made NBC relevent and ipaved the way for the future of a lot of the TV shows centered on black families.
Discuss and remember the maibag. (Wow, who knew we took the "Talk too much" studios to Florida with us.)