For all those outdoorsy guys and gals who think camo would make a nice wedding gown or tuxedo, a chance to take a private tour of the new Cabela's outfitters shop in Fort Oglethorpe might rival a 6-year-old earning a tour of the North Pole from Santa Claus the week before Christmas.
After all, when the "world's greatest outfitter" -- as Cabela's builds itself -- stages its grand opening at 10 a.m. Wednesday, those venturing inside the mammoth stone-and-log structure located just off Interstate 75's Exit 353 will find everything from $700 hunting bows to an $18,000 Krieghoff rifle to maple jalapeno dry seasoning for your favorite cut of meat to $7.99 Cabela's ballcaps that would seem a reasonable buy at twice the price.
There's even a 6-by-12-foot oil painting of a "See Rock City" barn, if only to underscore that the Cabela's "theme team" of interior designers would never confuse the Tennessee Valley with the Silicon Valley.
"We're 72,000 square feet of fun," beamed Sandi McBride, the store's marketing manager. "If it's anything to do with the outdoors, chances are we've either got it or we can get it for you from our online store."
That's undoubtedly great news for folks who live for mud on their boots and the sweet smell of mosquito repellent in the morning.
But my love of the world not sheltered by roofs, insulated windows and HVAC units pretty much ends with outdoor football games, my once-a-year root canal attempting to play golf, tennis and -- as my neighbors grouse -- my all-too-seldom nature walks disguised as half-hearted attempts to mow the lawn.
In other words, if it strays even a few yards from a refrigerator, microwave and televsion, I'd much rather remain in my den watching the SEC Network, the Cooking Channel or AMC's upcoming "Mad Men" marathon.
At least that was my mindset before McBride uttered four magical words: "Wild boar sub sandwich."
That's right. In addition to everything else Cabela's stocks, the store houses an amazing deli that will offer Wild Game Salad, hot roasted nuts, pork barbecue, brisket and turkey sandwiches and, oh my, wild game subs featuring your choice of bison, elk or boar. The wild game sub plate lunch, which includes a drink and a side, goes for $9.49.
And just in case you're still hungry, or have a insatiable sweet tooth, Cabela's also carries 34 flavors of fudge, everything from dark chocolate to Amaretto chocolate swirl to maple walnut to Penuchi, a brown sugar concoction.
So even a couch potato can find something to love at Cabela's beyond the hammocks and leather wing chairs (complete with brass tacks for $749 online).
But given that the average customer spends more than five hours in a Cabela's the first time he or she enters it, everything related to the outdoors is what Cabela's does best. Or as McBride noted, "We're a destination retailer."
It certainly should be a destination Wednesday for anyone who's ever pitched a pup tent, roasted a marshmallow over a camp fire or used a bamboo fishing pole to hook a bream in a rainwater pond.
"We could have several thousand come through here opening day," store manager Ellis Yarrell said. "We could average 3,000 or more for the first 90 days."
McBride said as many as 8,000 could arrive on Wednesday alone, many of them camping out late tonight to be first in line for the opening ceremonies. Those are scheduled to begin at 9:45 a.m., when the grand-opening ribbon will be slashed not by scissors but by an arrow shot from a bow.
Country music singer Lucas Hoge is scheduled to perform between 8 and 10 a.m. Sasquatch -- of Jack Link's Beef Jerky fame -- should also be there until 11 a.m., and he's promised to play nice with the young ones.
"We'll have coffee and doughnuts for those camping out," McBride said. "We'll have security on the grounds and we'll have porta potties. There will be gift cards for the first 500 in line."
And that's just on Wednesday. The first 50 people through the doors Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday also will receive free gifts. The Mountain Man from "Duck Dynasty" fame is supposed to visit from 1 to 7 p.m. Saturday.
But it's what's inside the store every day that figures to keep people coming back way past that 90-day curiosity window. Thirty varieties of camouflage. Camping gear, including packaged food, grills, stoves and tents. An indoor archery range. More than $40 million worth of firearms, according to McBride. And if you can't find what you want among those guns, the online library is almost certain to satisfy you. Cabela's also provides taxidermy for the serious hunter making the best use of those rifles and pistols.
Then there are the kid-friendly offerings: an aquarium featuring all matter of freshwater fish, everything from bass to bream to catfish to crappie. An indoor mountain inhabited by stuffed bears, deer, elk, raccoons, squirrels, wolves and just about any other North American wild animal worthy of taxidermy. Cabela's even teaches both young and old how to tie your own fly for fly fishing, courtesy of expert fly maker Doug McWhinnie.
It all sounds grand. Something for everyone. Everything for camo man. Or camo woman. As for yours truly, Cabela's had me at wild ... boar ... sub. Especially after a nudge from the fudge.
Contact Mark Wiedmer at mwiedmer@timesfreepress.com