You will doubtless hear a variety of this Sunday afternoon when Darrell Waltrip heists the microphone from Jeff Gordon for Fox's telecast of NASCAR's Food City 500 at Bristol Motor Speedway: "Don't care if the track is dirt, asphalt, concrete, signed or sealed, it's the most exciting race in the 'world.' It's a 'bowl' game!"
That's what Waltrip tweeted this week, and one must understand DW's affinity for the place. He merely won 12 Cup Series races at the track, including an astonishing seven in a row from 1981 through 1984. (Dale Earnhardt, Rusty Wallace and Cale Yarborough are tied for second with nine wins at Bristol.)
And forgive Waltrip his hyperbole, because what happens in that loud, raucous overgrown cereal bowl at Bristol may indeed provide the most entertainment on the NASCAR circuit. It's the perfect place to return from the series' first break of the year.
And that break provides the opportunity to answer some questions.
Waltrip has 12 wins at Bristol. Who has zero? Clint Bowyer, Jamie McMurray, Ryan Newman and Martin Truex Jr. are notable current drivers without a win at the .533-mile track.
Who is 0-for-2017? Somehow, Kyle Busch, Kevin Harvick and Joey Logano are winless despite having led a combined 1,196 miles out of 2,883 raced this season (including a series-best 690.1 by Harvick). Something's got to give soon. Pick any of the three as the next first-time winner this season, and it's a good bet.
What about the kids? Oh, yeah. Add them to the next-first-time-winner list. Chase Elliott, 21 years old, is second in points with three top-five finishes this season, and Ryan Blaney, who's 23, is sixth.
Didn't you forget somebody else? Well, yeah. Hovering way too far down the list are Dale Earnhardt Jr. (20th in the points standings) and Matt Kenseth (22nd). There's still plenty of time to build points, but each could use a win to secure a playoff spot. Earnhardt picked up five spots by finishing fifth at Texas two weeks ago.
So, get out on a limb? When does all this happen? OK, Harvick wins Sunday at Bristol, Logano next week at Richmond, then Elliott grabs a storybook maiden victory at Talladega with Earnhardt as a drafting partner. Busch comes through at Charlotte in May, Kenseth wins at Michigan and Earnhardt wins a storybook race at Daytona in July with Elliott as a drafting partner.
Are you sure of all that? Just as sure as I was with Alabama over Clemson and Falcons over Patriots.
Does a strong team really make that much of a difference? Ask Bowyer. He's the 2017 comeback of the year winner already. He's ninth in points, with six straight races finishing 13th or better in his first year with Stewart-Haas Racing. He was 32nd this time a year ago for HScott Motorsports.
"This is the opportunity you are giddy about," Bowyer said, "no matter where you are at in your career."
- Last race: The Monster Energy NASCAR Cup Series was off last week for Easter.
- Next race: The Food City 500, Bristol Motor Speedway, 2 p.m. EDT Sunday, Fox.
- Pick to win: Harvick, who has an average finish of 12.2 (second only to Kenseth) at Bristol and the third-best driver rating (behind Kenseth and Kyle Busch).
- Pit notes: Circle K has joined the Joe Gibbs Racing family as a sponsor for Kenseth's Toyota. Sad story: Sam Bass, the artist officially licensed by NASCAR, has fallen on hard times because of health problems. An auction selling autographed art work, sheet metal and other items is scheduled. See ironhorseauction.com for info. Only because his name is never invoked enough: "Chargin' Charlie" Glotzbach owns the record for the fastest Bristol race ever run, with an average speed of 101.074 mph in 1971. A four-time race winner in NASCAR, he needed relief help from Chattanooga native Friday Hassler to win that day.
- Fast Five: 1. Brad Keselowski, 2. Kyle Larson, 3. Logano, 4. Truex, 5. Elliott.
- What they're saying: "I'm a very confident woman, I'm a Christian woman, I was raised with great morals, so I know that I can sleep well at night knowing I'm a good human being whether or not I'm wearing a crop top or a muumuu." – Monster Energy Girl Amanda Mertz, answering criticism of the group's revealing attire
Contact Mark McCarter at markfmccarter@gmail.com.