Van Gogh's family tree
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stop N. Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U. Gogh.
His magician uncle: Where-diddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin: A. Mee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother: Gring Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage: Wells-far Gogh.
The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tang Gogh.
The fruit-loving cousin: Man Gogh.
The bird lover uncle: Fla Ming Gogh.
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh.
His niece who travels the country in an RV: Winnie Bay Gogh.
While leading the Friday evening services, the rabbi notices a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard. The rabbi, horrified, asks the cantor to continue the service and goes to talk to Bernie.
Rabbi: "What are you doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on," says the Rabbi.
"Yes," Bernie insists.
Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple."
Bernie: "Its true!"
"OK," says the Rabbi, "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK," says Bernie. He nods to the dog, and the dog opens the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke and a tallis and puts them on. Then he gets out a prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew!
The rabbi is so shocked, he listens for a full 15 minutes. When the rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie, "Do you think your dog would consider going to rabbinical school?"
Bernie throws up his hands in disgust. "You talk to him," he says. "He wants to be a doctor!"
As a helicopter hovers overhead, 11 people - 10 men and one woman - grab a rope to be pulled to safety.
The rope is not strong enough to carry them all, so they decide that one has to leave. Otherwise, they realize that they are all going to fall.
They are unable to choose which person should let go of the rope, until the woman gives a very touching speech.
She tells the men that she will voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a woman, she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general. She is used to always making sacrifices, she says, getting little in return.
As soon as she finishes her speech, all the men start clapping.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and online sites.