Late Night Laughs
Around the White House
› The big story is that for the third straight time, Senate Republicans failed to repeal Obamacare, because they didn’t have the votes. Trump was like, “Well neither did I, and I still won!” — Jimmy Fallon
› Actually, when he heard the GOP health-care bill failed again, Trump said, “You won’t believe it, but I think I gotta take a knee for this.” — Jimmy Fallon
› There are rumors that NFL legend Peyton Manning may run for Senate. Experts say there’s no way that mixing the NFL and politics could possibly go wrong. — Conan O’Brien
› White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders today said there isn’t anything to clarify about Trump’s position on NFL players kneeling during the national anthem, because the issue is, quote, “pretty black and white.” And then she winked so hard, her podium fell over. — Seth Meyers
› Last night, a Republican named Luther Strange lost in the Alabama Senate primary. So now, “Luther Strange” will go back to his old job — a villain in a Batman comic. — Jimmy Fallon
› Luther Strange lost to a crazy populist candidate who actually pulled out a pistol on stage at his campaign rally earlier this week. Now, technically, it’s still not clear if Luther Strange lost to that guy or just surrendered to him. — James Corden
› Democrats are reportedly hopeful that controversial judge Roy Moore’s Republican primary victory in Alabama may boost their chances for a competitive Senate race in the state. In a related story, Wile E. Coyote says he really feels like he has a shot this time. — Seth Meyers
From Leland Parrott:
A man was going bald and told his friends he was going to get a rabbit tattooed on his head as it was a lot cheaper than an implant or a toupee.
His friends asked how getting a rabbit tattooed on his head would help?
The man replied, "Well, at least from a distance it will look like hare."
Bark it out
A dog walked in to the telegram office one day. He took out a blank form and wrote on it:
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
Then he handed it to the clerk. The clerk examined the paper and said to the dog, "You know there are only nine words here? You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"
* About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
* I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet. Whoops, e-daisies.
* I used to be a member of a secret cooking society. They kicked me out for spilling the beans.
* The dummy on the treadmill at the gym? He just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.
* I like jokes, but jokes about air conditioners? Not a fan.
* The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again. I can't tell you how upset I am.
* My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. She's a lovely woman. But a useless surgeon.
* I'm addicted to seaweed. I must seek kelp.
* They say childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience. Maybe I was too young remember, but I don't think it hurt that much.
* My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall. But it was his dumb asphalt.
* A married couple in Louisiana was arrested after filming themselves having sex in a Walmart and a Burger King. Of course they were very embarrassed, so they told their friends it was a Target and a Wendy's. — Jimmy Fallon
* California Gov. Jerry Brown is working on a plan to build two tunnels that will bring water to Southern California. Of course, it's California, so one tunnel is for flat water, the other sparkling with lime. — Conan O'Brien
* T-Mobile and Sprint are in talks for a possible merger. The merger will happen after T-Mobile texts Sprint at 2 a.m. and asks, "U up?" — Conan O'Brien
* Apple is exploring ways to turn Siri into people's personal therapist. In fact, this morning when I asked Siri for today's weather she said, "Stop trying to replace your father." — Conan O'Brien
* An 83-year-old grandfather in California recently pushed a suspected burglar off his roof. Neighbors are calling it shocking while the roofer is calling it the last time he works on that house. — Seth Meyers
* The Italian restaurant chain Villa Italian Kitchen is adding a new pumpkin spice pizza to its menu. And if you like that, you're gonna love Starbucks' new Linguini Mocha. — Seth Meyers
* I saw that Coca-Cola is selling a new drink in Japan called "Coca-Cola Coffee Plus." They say it's great if you like Coke, love coffee and hate blinking. — Jimmy Fallon
* It's come out that some species of frogs have sex orgies. These are followed the next morning by the frogs doing the "Hop of Shame." — Conan O'Brien
* A leader of a polygamous sect in Salt Lake City pled guilty today to food-stamp fraud. As he was taken into custody he said, "Don't wait for me, honey! You either! Or you. And you. You, too." — Seth Meyers
* Check this out, guys. Target is letting customers download an indoor map to help them find their way around the store. While if you get lost at Costco, they just tell you to forget your old life and move in.— Jimmy Fallon
* I also read that Taco Bell will start serving alcohol at some locations. So the next time you think that YOU'RE having a bad day, imagine the guy who gets cut off by the cashier at Taco Bell. — Jimmy Fallon
* Microsoft founder Bill Gates gave a speech yesterday. And in that speech, he apologized for making the ctrl-alt-delete function on computers so complicated. But then he added, "I mean, I'm as sorry as I can be about something that made me $85 billion, #sorrynotsorry. — James Corden
* This week, a truck carrying 40,000 pounds of vodka overturned in North Carolina. The driver is fine. He said he's shaken, but not stirred. — Jimmy Fallon
* A new study says that a lack of sleep can actually make you happier. When they heard that, new moms were like, "You wanna say that to my face?" — Jimmy Fallon
* In Boston, experts believe they have found Paul Revere's outhouse and they say they are excited to examine his fecal matter. These experts have been described as "single." — Conan O'Brien
* A new study has determined that people in relationships can detect infidelity in their partner's voice. Especially when their voice says, "You're home early!" — Seth Meyers
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.