LISA DENTON: Barry, I'm thinking I might show up Saturday for the Battle at the River at the Tivoli. I know they have Bodybuilding, Figure and Bikini Championships, but I thought I could start a new category: Flaccid. If they give out awards for "One of These Things Is Not Like the Others," I'm certain I can bring home a trophy.
BARRY COURTER: Have I told you about my once-vibrant modeling career? I made a good living as a "before" model. You can guess why it ended, but that reminds me that it is Donut Day at Cambridge Square in Ooltewah on Friday.
LISA: Mmmm, doughnuts. As Homer Simpson would say, "Is there anything they can't do?"
By the way, BuzzFeed has a Simpsons quiz to see if you're more like Bart or Lisa. I got Lisa, but I knew I would. Which is so Lisa. Although, honestly, at this point, I'm not sure if I'm talking about her or myself. I wonder if people with multiple personalities ever have personalities with the same name.
BARRY: There's a party in your head all the time, isn't there?
LISA: Pretty much. It's like having a classmate with the same name. My son went to school with two boys with the same first name and almost the same last name — the only difference was a silent "e." He'd always say the full name, then spell the last name so I would know which kid he was talking about, the one named M-a-y or the one named M-a-y-e.
Which also reminds me how Rachael Ray always says "EVOO" as shorthand when she's telling you the ingredients for whatever dish she's making. And whatever dish she's making always has EVOO. But then she always, always, follows up by saying it's extra-virgin olive oil. Then I always, always, have to tell her through the TV that she doesn't save any time if she's gonna tell you the short version and the long version.
Anyway, where were we?
BARRY: I think you need a Snickers but what really worries me is I understand what you mean. What does that say about me?
LISA: Mmmm, Snickers.
BARRY: The Chattanooga Market has a cool event this week with the Teen Cookoff. I think their cooking demonstrations and cook-offs are among the coolest things they do, and this is a new twist. It'll be fun to see what the young chefs come up with.
LISA: Maybe they can cook with EVOO, extra-virgin olive oil.
BARRY: And we'd be remiss in not letting everyone know that Insane Clown Posse will be at The Signal on Sunday.
LISA: Whoop whoop, Juggalos!
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Contact Lisa Denton at firstname.lastname@example.org or 423-757-6281. Contact Barry Courter at email@example.com or 423-757-6354.