DEAR ABBY: My husband and I married two years ago. A year later we welcomed our first child. I never imagined I would ever want a divorce. Well, I found out early this year that my husband has a fetish/fantasy about bigger women. (He actually said it.) He is a "feeder." He has purchased books related to these things and watches videos and reads stories about it while sitting next to me on the couch! It turns him on. He has asked me to consider gaining weight. I told him he needs help.
I made an appointment for him to see a therapist, and am forcing him to go. I feel cheated on and disrespected. I don't know how to handle this bomb he dropped on me. I don't know how to be with someone who has such a strong impulse. I hate to feel at fault for walking away and breaking up our family, but I can't go along with this and risk my health. I also don't know how to live apart from him. Any help is appreciated. — WIFE OF A FEEDER
DEAR WIFE: Your husband should have discussed this with you before you married. Gaining weight to feed your husband's fetish would not be healthy for you physically or — feeling as you do — emotionally.
Because you already have a licensed mental health professional in your database, schedule an appointment for yourself to help you rationally decide what you need to do. (Can your husband be content to have his fantasy but not involve you?) You may not want to "feel at fault" for walking away, but you aren't going to change him, and your first responsibility must be to maintain your health so you can parent your child to adulthood.
DEAR ABBY: Is it possible to be in love with someone who is incarcerated? — ROMANTIC IN TEXAS
DEAR ROMANTIC: Yes. However, it depends upon the length of the relationship and whether you met the person before he or she was incarcerated. If you knew the person before, it is possible. However, if your relationship began while he or she was serving time, it is extremely important that you verify anything you are being told and refrain from sending the person money.
DEAR ABBY: This has been weighing on me for a long time. A guy I've known for years receives tons of food from a food pantry his sister runs. It sickens me because he's financially set. He brags to me about never ever having to buy groceries again. I think about the children and families who are in need of food during these terrible times. He is the worst kind of cheapskate and doesn't like spending money on anything.
Obviously, if his sister is allowing this, she is doing the same thing. I told him he should be ashamed of himself for taking advantage of this program. His response was that he served our country, so he's entitled! (He was dishonorably discharged after seven months.) He truly feels the food is owed to him. This has been bothering me for a long time and, to be honest, I wish he had never told me. — DISGUSTED IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR DISGUSTED: And your question is? Those two appear to have no conscience. Contact the head of the organization that sponsors the food bank and tell the person what you have written to me. I don't think I'm being too harsh to point out that "Sissy" is guilty of theft by funneling food to her brother and preventing a needy family from having it. Shameless.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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