Cultivating emotional intimacy in marriage makes me think of a road trip. Having a destination is essential, but the journey is where adventure lies. My wife and I love a good road trip. I could tell you countless stories of getting lost, taking detours, sitting in traffic jams and discovering beauty along the way.
Marriage is a lot like a road trip. Some days are blue skies and sunshine, driving through the countryside with the wind in your hair and music cranked loud. Other days are roadblocks, traffic jams and detours. When you head out, you never know what lies ahead. The road you travel won't always be easy, but the journey is where your marriage is strengthened and thrives.
The journey begins the day you say, "I do." It won't always be easy, but all the bumps in the road help the two of you grow closer. When you tackle all those hazards together, hand in hand, it strengthens your connection.
Researchers at Cornell University found that the most successful marriages involve communication, knowledge and commitment. Those three components are vital to a happy, healthy marriage. They also contribute to building emotional intimacy in your relationship.
DEFINE IT
What is emotional intimacy in marriage?
It's the ongoing, intentional process of fully knowing your spouse and being fully known by your spouse. Intimacy is often equated with sex, but it's so much more than that. There are actually six types of intimacy: emotional, physical, recreational, spiritual, financial and sexual. For right now, let's focus on emotional intimacy because it's crucial to the other five types. Emotional intimacy is the glue of all relationships.
Emotional intimacy is understanding what's happening inside your spouse (and being understood the same way). It's knowing all their feelings, hopes, dreams, vulnerabilities, fears, motivations and desires. It's gaining a better sense of what drives or moves your spouse, what interests and intrigues, what enthralls and enchants that person you've committed yourself to. Emotional intimacy is simply growing deeper in your understanding of your mate.
Emotional intimacy requires couples to take on the role of a compassionate detective - an invested student of each other. Developing emotional intimacy is a continual process of learning, understanding and empathizing with who your spouse is on the inside. Both men and women view emotional connection as crucial to a long-term, healthy relationship.
FEEL IT
So what does emotional intimacy look like in marriage? I'm glad you asked.
Here's what people in marriages with strong emotional intimacy may say:
> It feels like I'm heard whenever we talk, even if we disagree.
> When we're together, we're not just two people in the same room; we really connect.
> They don't try to fix things when I'm explaining a problem unless I ask for it; they simply listen to try and understand what I'm feeling.
> When we have a disagreement, it doesn't feel like we're on opposing sides necessarily; it feels like we're on the same side trying to solve the same problem.
> We're busy, but we make time to spend with each other. That's important to us.
KNOW IT
Couples with emotional intimacy:
> Have a stronger sense of trust and security. Knowing and being known chips away at the need to wonder how much you can rely on your partner to be on your team. You can feel safe, secure and accepted just by being yourself.
> Are more accepting of each other's faults. Understanding who your spouse is gives you a better appreciation and compassion for them. It's beautiful when that's a two-way street in a relationship.
> Have a stronger physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy have a substantial effect on each other.
BUILD IT
How do you build emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy needs to be foundational to your marriage. All the other types of intimacy need this foundation to thrive. Here are a few ways to build that foundation:
> Communicate daily.
> Express appreciation for your spouse.
> Be curious about your mate.
> Make yourself emotionally available.
> Be vulnerable.
Marriage is a beautiful journey. One day, you'll look back and take joy in the detours and roadblocks because those things strengthened your emotional intimacy. Enjoy the journey, and take every turn hand in hand with your spouse.
Mitchell Qualls is vice president of operations at family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email him at mitchell@firstthings.org.