I admire traditional families who still sit down for three home-cooked meals a day. I just don't know any.
Has anybody actually lived that lifestyle since John-Boy Walton left the farm and Aunt Bee hung up her apron?
I'm a fast-food restaurant regular. Neither proud nor ashamed.
They know me by voice at several drive-through windows between downtown and Signal Mountain and probably think I'm a car thief because I'm never in the same vehicle twice. (See the "Test Drive" column in the Business section.)
The fast-food world is always competitive, but this summer the chains seemed to have moved into hyperdrive to attract customers. It's fast food gone wild.
Mark KennedyConsider these plucked-from-the-headlines news bits:
» KFC this month is offering a "New Cheetos Sandwich." So is this a reprise of an old Cheetos sandwich? Personally, I don't recommend old Cheetos as a garnish. As the father of two boys, I have discovered many old Cheetos between the car seats, and I believe they would crack a tooth.
Seriously, who thought of this? I feel like it was late one Friday in the KFC test kitchen, and somebody said: "Why don't we just throw some Cheetos onto a chicken sandwich and call it a day?"
Mixing KFC and Cheetos takes finger licking to a new level. I feel like you could lick your fingerprints off trying to get your hands clean after eating this thing.
According to the company website: "KFC and Cheetos joined flavor forces to make this deliciously crispy, crunchy, cheesy sandwich." I was unaware there was a "Flavor Force." I wonder if it has a college ROTC. Our sons would be interested.
Random memory: One of my sons, raised on McNuggets, asked me once, upon inspecting a real chicken breast: "Daddy, how did they get that bone in there."
» Krystal this summer touted all-you-can-eat sliders for $5.99 (for a limited time).
I hope there is a picture of Joey Chestnut posted at every restaurant. He's the guy who once ate 103 Krystals in eight minutes, which makes it hard to turn a profit.
At 61, I feel cheated by this offer. I couldn't eat more than five Krystals at a sitting if you held a pistol to my head. But I feel like that on certain Saturday nights 40 years ago, I could have wolfed down 20 Krystals, smoked a Hav-A-Tampa and banged the table for 20 more.
» Chick-fil-A gave away free food one day earlier this month to people who dressed like cows. I feel like this promotion was designed so moms would have something precious to post on Facebook.
View other columns by Mark Kennedy
Random question: Why do the workers at Chick-fil-A restaurants look like they were recruited at band camp?
» Burger King is serving literal mystery burgers in Sweden. Some customers are not told if their burgers are beef or imitation beef, but must check using a phone app to see which one they got.
What the ...?
I guess "Have it your way" no longer applies. I feel like Americans would frown on this promotion.
Message to BK: Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce, secret patties do upset us.
Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6645.