On the premise that I actually prepare to write this op-ed humor column, a friend asked me how much of the Democrat debates I had watched. I responded, "As much as I could stand."
If you have not watched any of these sad displays called the "Democratic debates," let me sum them up for you. All the candidates try to top each other in identifying various victim classes, and they tell the "victims" how much government money they will give them if elected. It's essentially bribery. But, because it is an election, it is called politics.
The Democratic debates made TV viewers watch four hours of angry folks painfully reciting leftist talking points. It was like watching the Oscars except with old, ugly people.
The debates benefited only three groups of people: 1. Leftists who want to hear about socialism; 2. CNN and its dismal ratings; 3. Those of us who write humor.
Unlike Obama's campaign, there was not an ounce of optimism in the debates among 78-year-old Bernie Sanders, 70-year-old Elizabeth "Fauxcahontas" Warren, and 76-year-old dazed and confused Joe Biden. If there was a common theme to their angry message, it was "Get Off My Lawn!"
Sanders is always angry. Listening to him is like coming home to your great-grandfather after he found out you wrecked his Oldsmobile. Bernie shakes his index finger in the air when he talks, like he is trying to get a waiter's attention to send back soup. For a socialist who arrived in Congress broke and who is now a multimillionaire, you'd think he'd be happier. As history teaches us with billionaires Fidel Castro, Kim Jong Un, Vladimir Putin and all socialist leaders, socialism only works for those in charge of it.
In fact, Sanders has vented so much anger he had to cancel three upcoming campaign events because he was losing his voice. He canceled appearances in South Carolina and returned to Vermont — or, as Biden calls it, New Hampshire.
Any time there are cameras in their faces, Democrats tell you how dangerous and stupid Trump is. That's like Johnny Depp telling you that you wear too much jewelry and too many scarves. I would trust Trump, who made billions in the private sector, over lifelong politicians who have made tens of millions as public "servants" in D.C.
Then there is Biden. He and Mayor Pete Buttigieg, whom I like, are the only really likable ones with reasonable messages on the Democrat debate stage. Biden is confused by the shift to the left of his party, and in general, just confused. Being a Democrat so long, he has changed his position on almost every major issue from guns to abortion. In fact, he is so confused that CNN should reserve a three-hour town hall where Joe could just debate himself. Over his career, he has been forced to take more uncomfortable positions than an old porn actress.
To show you how far to the socialist left the Democratic Party has gone with free college, day care, health care, reparations, etc., the gay (married to a man whose go-to move is to kiss his husband on stage) Episcopal mayor of a college town is the one running farthest to the right of the bunch.
Democrats choose boring, well-worn topics like global warming and white privilege so they can all virtue signal their pious superiority to show how "woke" they are. Maybe they will combine global warming with white privilege for their next debate and make a polar bear apologize for being white. I'd watch that.
A libertarian op-ed humorist and award-winning author, Ron is a frequent guest on CNN. He can be contacted at Ron@RonaldHart.com or @RonaldHart on Twitter.