Mark WiedmerIn some ways, this Mother's Day will be pretty much the same as it always has been at the Gavin McKinney home. The University of Tennessee at Chattanooga soccer coach likely will treat his wife, Shari, to a restaurant brunch, along with their two young daughters.
Later on, he might cook dinner, especially if he can promise Shari that he'll avoid preparing anything that includes fish or ultra healthy food.
"Or we might wind up getting Mexican," he said. "That's Shari's favorite."
And for dessert?
"I hear there's this mocha cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory that's really good," he added. "I might get her one of those to go."
But in at least one very big way, a way that all of us dread facing every day of our lives, this Mother's Day and perhaps all the Mother's Days to follow for Gavin, 37-year-old Shari, 5-year-old Ava and 1-year-old Addi will be markedly different.
Shari is fighting breast cancer. Fighting hard. Fighting for her life, six months of chemotherapy just past, weeks of radiation soon to follow.
"Your perspective on Mother's Day, really your perspective on life, is changed forever," Coach McKinney said this past week. "Each day I get to be around my beautiful wife, who is also a phenomenal mother, is a great day. To watch her still do what she does as a mother is amazing."
The nightmare began on Sept. 7, 2018. The Mocs were about to face Ohio Valley Conference power Murray State.
"We got the call four hours before the game," he recalled. "I was debating even coaching that night. The administration said to do what you need to do for your family. Shari said, 'Go to your game. I don't need pity.' We're a tough family."
So he coached that night, and the Mocs battled to a 2-2 tie against the Racers. He then coached the rest of the season. UTC finished 8-8-3, its best record since 2004.
"We've got a great group of girls," McKinney said.
The UTC athletic department has a great group of people.
"The entire athletic department was phenomenal," he said. "They set up a meal train. People were bringing us food for weeks and weeks."
Shari's mother, Karen Harmon, drove in from Jackson, Tennessee, staying through much of the early rounds of chemo. Due to surgeries and doctor visits, McKinney occasionally met the team for road games rather than traveling with them.
"You're trying to balance being a coach, being a dad, being a husband," he said. "And every day you're watching your wife fight as hard as she can against this very aggressive form of breast cancer."
As any of us might in such situations, McKinney admits to at least a couple of missteps, especially on the morning of her first chemo treatment.
"I'm a coach. I'm always looking for ways to motivate, to inspire," he recalled. "So I asked all her friends and family members to share a quote with her. I was going to give her one a day. Her grandmother wrote this great message for her, so that was going to be the first one. So on that first morning, before we go for treatment, I taped the message from her grandmother on the bathroom mirror. She reads it and starts crying.
"Immediately, I realized that wasn't a good idea. What was I thinking? So you're always learning, but my intentions were good. I ended up giving all of them to her the night before her last chemo treatment."
The early results have been promising. Radiation should bring further good news. And if Shari breaking out in tears while reading her grandmother's message was one of the worst moments, Gavin filming his wife ringing the bell and reading "The Journey" after her final chemo treatment - an Erlanger Cancer Center ritual - was one of the best.
"The people of Erlanger have been awesome," he said. "Seeing Shari ring that bell has definitely been the best moment of all this so far."
For years and years, despite never previously being directly touched by cancer, McKinney has given of his time and money to St. Jude Children's Hospital, which does so much to cover expenses for pediatric cancer patients and their families. As recently as a couple of weeks ago, he joined 30,000 other folks for the St. Jude Rock 'N' Roll Marathon in Nashville, McKinney completing the half marathon in a few seconds under 90 minutes while raising more than $2,000 in pledges.
"St. Jude is definitely more significant this year having seen what families go through, what individuals go through," he said.
How much more Shari and Gavin and Ava and Addi must go through no one knows.
"We're probably lucky that Ava's only 5 years old," he said. "She knows that Mommy's sick. Other than that, there aren't too many questions."
But any fight with cancer brings at least as many questions as answers, especially when a mommy is sick on Mother's Day.
"If you're lucky enough to be here, live your life the best way you can," McKinney said of what he's leaned on since Sept. 7. "Perspective can be lost very easily. Treat people well. Cherish the time you have."
Because with one heartbreaking phone call regarding those you cherish most, your life can be changed forever.
Contact Mark Wiedmer at mwiedmer@timesfreepress.com.