Talk about your Value Meals. And leave it to former University of Tennessee football coach Jeremy Pruitt and his assistants to give Webster's Dictionary the perfect reason to include a photograph of them next to the term "Bag Man."
You just can't make this stuff up, even if every single member of Big Orange Nation so wishes the words longtime national sports radio personality Dan Patrick spoke on Tuesday could be passed off as pure fiction.
Instead, according to Patrick, one of the worst charges likely to face Tennessee in its upcoming meetings with the NCAA about the reasons Pruitt was fired with cause centers on money placed in McDonald's meal bags that were given to recruits during campus visits.
How much money we're talking about here - a Supersized wad of George Washingtons or a small bag of Benjamin Frankins - isn't clear.
But to borrow a quote from Patrick that's probably also got Georgia coach Kirby Smart a little grumpier than usual: "You literally had bag men. They put the cash in McDonald's bags and handed it to the recruits. My source said they were so in your face with this-they weren't even trying to hide it. And that's where my source said: 'Tennessee got sloppy. Georgia has gotten sloppy.' But there's been no word on the NCAA looking at Georgia."
(READ MORE: As the Tennessee turnover continues yet again, Fulmer is hoping for a 10-year coach)
Yet.
But that can be another story for another day.
For today, let's assume Patrick's dead-on with his facts. Could that leave the Vols dead in the water with the NCAA Committee on Infractions? Cash to recruits is about as iron-clad a rules violation as there is. And in talking with a couple of folks with long-term ties to college football on Tuesday, this is a surprise only if you didn't know the professional history of the guilty parties.
"You hear things," said one. "Certain guys have certain reputations. It wasn't a shock, let's just say that."
Added another, "I'd say (Tennessee) is in a lot of trouble on this one. I've been in this business a long time and I don't know that I've ever heard of 10 guys getting canned at once, like what UT did yesterday."
Yet the harshest words may have come from Kentucky coach Mark Stoops, who when asked on Tuesday if he was surprised by the UT mess, replied: "Not one bit."
But where do the Vols go from here to see this doesn't happen again? Burger King? Wendy's? Five Guys? Can't anybody follow instructions to hold the lettuce these days?
Also, like almost everything else in the Vols' recent history, it seems as if they tried to take the cheap way out, kind of the way they attempt to hire football coaches. You just feel certain that if Georgia was doing anything like this they were using Chick-fil-A instead of Mickey D's.
"If you can't win the right way, then you don't belong here," Boyd said. "If there is anyone in our athletics department, in Knoxville or elsewhere, who hasn't heard that message yet, you're hearing it now. If you can't win the right way, you don't belong here."
Added Plowman: "We are proud of the great history and traditions of our football program, and we will restore integrity and win at a championship level."
Given that laudable mindset, the chances of former UT coach Lane Kiffin and current Liberty coach Hugh Freeze, who've both had past issues with the NCAA, would appear to be slim at best. As for interim coach Kevin Steele, despite being a former UT coach and player, it's hard to see him getting the job past this coming season.
Then there's Alabama-Birmingham's Bill Clark, who has literally built the Blazers from scratch after the program elected to cancel the 2015 and 2016 seasons due to budget issues, though Clark was already the head coach in 2014. His record is 40-22 at UAB while competing in Conference USA and he's reached four bowl games.
(READ MORE: Jeremy Pruitt's turbulent timeline as Tennessee's football coach)
Beyond that, his athletic director, Mark Ingram - like Steele, another former Vols player and coach - is said to be a possible frontrunner to replace Fulmer, along with current East Carolina AD Jon Gilbert, who also previously worked at UT.
But let's say every bigger, more experienced name says no to being the next head coach. What then? Who could possibly fill the requirement of integrity and character, of winning the right way, and still win over an understandably shaken fan base?
At the risk of sounding like a Scenic City homer, what about 36-year-old Charlotte 49ers coach Will Healy, the former Boyd-Buchanan School quarterback, UT-Chattanooga assistant and miracle worker who took Austin-Peay from an 0-11 season his first year to a 8-4 record (7-1 in Ohio Valley Conference play) his second.
Now at Charlotte, he's guided that program to a bowl game a year ago, and finished 2-2 in Conference USA this year despite having nine potential games canceled due to COVID-19.
And all you need to know about him winning the right way comes from former UT assistant and current Duke head coach David Cutcliffe, who said of Healy when he was hired by the 49ers: "First of all, he's a young man of integrity and character so the players will benefit from his influence in their lives. Will is a great teacher of quarterbacks and an innovative offensive coach that will bring an exciting brand of football to Charlotte."
If Healy could accomplish the same on Rocky Top, could there be a better Happy Meal for the Big Orange Nation to enjoy than that?
Contact Mark Wiedmer at mwiedmer@timesfreepress.com.