It's not stylish to talk about good things the United States does in Afghanistan, but indulge me.
Prior to the U.S. invasion, the Taliban had much more important activities on their plate than tapping Afghanistan's mineral wealth. There were women to be flogged into unconsciousness for teaching girls to read, petty thieves to be maimed and just oodles of folks to be beheaded for assorted naughtiness.
It was vaguely understood that there were substantial quantities of precious metals and such to be mined in Afghanistan, but nobody knew how substantial. In any event, the Taliban were having too much fun with their other priorities to bother pulling their countrymen out of Zimbabwe-grade poverty.
Recently, however, the U.S. military and American scientists conducted a survey that found Afghanistan is practically swimming in copper, iron, gold and the like -- a cool trillion dollars' worth. Thanks to the big spenders in Washington, we have a nifty way to put that mammoth figure in perspective: It is roughly two-thirds of this year's U.S. budget deficit. (USA! USA!)
Some have since estimated Afghanistan's underground goodies may be in the $3 trillion range, and jubilant Afghan officials are negotiating with foreign businesses to begin milking their newly corralled cash cow.
So once again, America has done a benighted nation and the whole wide world a stupendous favor. Now all that's left to do is sit back and wait for the "international community" to condemn us for it.
My World Cup runneth empty
It has been more fun than usual not noticing the World Cup this time around.
I never fully appreciated how meaningless this every-four-years trial-by-boredom is to so many Americans, but that changed when I was sitting in a Brainerd bistro a few days back tucking into some ham and eggs.
One of the matches was on television. Not sure what countries the teams represented, though one player resembled Alfalfa, if that helps.
Anyhow, a few patrons gave the tube a passing glance, realized that more enjoyable fare -- say, a docudrama on the history of bunions -- had been preempted, and refocused on their vittles. There was a pleasant solidarity in our indifference.
Equally fun is watching some folks try to convince themselves there's something nefarious in that apathy.
Over on National Public Radio's website -- where else? -- I spotted a column by one David Zirin of The Nation magazine. On an apparently extended vacation from Planet Reality, Brother Zirin links conservative distaste for soccer to "racism and imperial arrogance." He approvingly cites an author who wrote, "When we say Americans don't play soccer we are thinking of the big white people who live in the suburbs."
Seriously. Somebody put fingers to keyboard and typed that. Which gives us another splendid reason -- sheer kookery -- to tune out soccer, or "real football" as its apologists call it.
Inconveniently for Mr. Zirin's theory, commentators have pointed out how European fans with no ties to U.S. suburbanites regularly subject black soccer players to racial insults.
Though weary of listening to the oh-so-cosmopolitan spectators across the Atlantic shower him with racial taunts, Oguchi Onyewu, an American who plays professionally in Belgium, told USA Today, "You just ignore it, because whenever you react, that provokes them to do it more." He acknowledges that the morons hurling the ridicule are in the minority but notes that they surface "in Italy, France, Belgium, Holland, Germany, Spain ... you name it." Heck, just Google images for the word hooligan and see how many pictures of European soccer fans pop up.
In contrast to that very real racism, Jonah Goldberg of National Review crisply dismantles the idea that bigotry is behind conservative America's glazed-eye response to soccer: That charge "is pretty bizarre given that the sports the rightwing trogs do champion -- baseball, basketball and football -- are dominated by nonwhites. And yet conservatives still champion them. ... But, ah yes, Americans are the racists for not embracing soccer mania more."
To reach Steve Barrett, call 423-757-6329 or e-mail sbarrett@timesfreepress.com.