Hart: Who needs facts when you have conclusions?

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff, D-Calif., with committee staffer Daniel Noble at left, makes impassioned remarks at the conclusion of a week of public impeachment hearings on Capitol Hill in Washington, Thursday, Nov. 21, 2019, on President Donald Trump's efforts to tie U.S. aid for Ukraine to investigations of his political opponents. Former White House national security aide Fiona Hill, and David Holmes, a U.S. diplomat in Ukraine, were the final witnesses today. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

The latest taxpayer-funded community theater production of "Get Trump" is playing in Washington, D.C., under the direction of Adam Schiff. It's a real "Schiff Show."

You will remember Adam Schiff from his previous productions of "Russian Collusion," "Obstruction of Justice" and the made-for-TV fiction, "Kavanaugh: The Accidental Rapist."

The latest Schiff fictional drama, from his production company Schiff for Brains Productions, started out with the working title "Quid Pro Quo, Revenge of the Deep State." But when focus groups in swing states empaneled by the DNC saw the trailer at pre-production screenings, the title was changed to "Bribery." It's a real crowd-pleaser.

Yeppers, Schiff is just one maudlin movie about a wronged, mentally-challenged, transgendered person away from getting an Oscar and a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Academy in his congressional district, Hollywood, California. I can see the movie trailer now: "She was born a Quid, but self-identified as a Quo. During her transition she worked as a Pro. A real-life hero in a mean Trump world who wins the right to use any public bathroom she/he wants."

(Read more: Impeachment hearing takeaways: A 'domestic political errand')

The latest attempt to get Trump is based on a group of Deep State "witnesses" who witnessed nothing. They auditioned privately for director Schiff, Harvey Weinstein-style in his secluded underground bunker, and he promised big things if they performed.

Auditions are conducted in a contrived one-sided process where Schiff, drunk with Intel Committee subpoena power, is manufacturing whistleblowers and witnesses and then interviewing them in secret to see which ones will get a role in his latest production of "Get Trump - This Time the Impeachment is Real." The DNC Studio, run by Nancy Pelosi, should have had Rep. Jerrold Nadler produce this show, since he is Judiciary Committee chairman. But "Lil Nads" did not screen-test well, so his directing role was handed to Schiff. Apparently, "Lil Nads" has had his last role. In Pelosi's mind, he has aged/inepted out, so she nipped him.

Remember when Adam Schiff self-auditioned for an acting role in this? He went on the Congressional Record with an awkward, self-authored, fictional performance of what Trump said to the Ukrainian president as played by a mafia boss. When reviews of his made-up performance came in, he said it was a joke. It's why I don't like open-mic nights at poetry-reading coffee shops. I should do one where I read a letter to me from Christie Brinkley where she confesses her deep and abiding love for me. It is actually a late notice on my Visiting Angels nurse bill, but you get the idea.

So this nothing-burger, fictional, made-for-TV series plays out to great reviews by the fawning media. Movie reviewers at CNN proclaim it "a bombshell." MSNBC calls Schiff's latest production a "tour de force." "Spellbinding!" trumpets ABC News. The only part they don't like is when mean Republicans question the unassailable credentials of Ukrainian industrialist billionaire Hunter Biden.

(Read more: Impeachment hearings takeaways: 'Everyone was in the loop')

If you break the script down, you realize these actors, I mean witnesses, actually said nothing other than that their feelings were hurt when they were not included in the call to the Ukrainian president. When asked what crime had been committed, all the star witnesses couldn't even venture a guess.

The media reports that Ambassador Yovanovitch lost her job. She did not. She got the harshest treatment any government worker not good at his or her job gets (à la Lois Lerner): a lateral promotion and full pension (in this case, extra money teaching at Georgetown).

This latest attempt to get Trump on a hearsay, diplomatic policy etiquette foul is boring and sad. I miss the days when Trump was a Russian spy, doing "golden showers" with hookers on hotel beds in Moscow and sleeping with porn stars stateside. Remember those? Good times.

Now Dems have him up for the process crime of not adhering to the protocol of the lifelong bureaucrat political class in Washington. But maybe the Deep State folks at the EPA (and you know there are a lot of them there) can go back and get Trump on the Stormy Daniels accusations: perhaps drilling without a permit.

photo Ron Hart
photo Ron Hart

Contact Ron Hart, a syndicated op-ed satirist and author, at Ron@RonaldHart.com or @ronaldhart on Twitter.